I’ll keep stepping
Because that is what I do
Disappointment vibrates
Through me
Lack of authenticity
Sorely lacking
Thoughts in head
Disappear
Like a vapor
Dust
It was never real
It was never going to be enough
The mantra repeats-
Enough is never good enough
Toe-to-toe I fold
Like the Edvard Munich painting
Screaming
Bummed at the loss
Of nothing
But
Craving everything
An only child gone
Wrong choices
Weary decisions
Father sobbing in arms wondering why
Son couldn’t
Wouldn’t listen
Too late… He’s gone.
Brutal, sad tears
A son, an only child gone too soon
His two year old daughter eating crackers perplexed by the crying.
Why was everyone crying?
Where was her Daddy?
Why will he never tuck her in again?
Kiss her forehead?
A whisper
Our life is but a whisper
We better live it like a roar
The son asked for Jesus to forgive him… Over and over again
The Polish Priest administered last rites…
He found peace
Now may his family
Only son
Patiently waiting
Hoping & longing
For a sign, a direction
A brick, momentum
Murky rut for years
He’s wanting to, waiting to
To be good to me
Calling me
Saving me
Bookstore
Customer Service Desk
Teach a class
Youth? Not my calling
God- hit me with a brick, I said…
Raging storm
Lightening cracking
Every where
Anxiety
Doorbell rings
Door opens
Welcomed embrace
A brick, smiles at me
Another brick
Another
And another…
Twenty beautiful bricks
Beat me
Speak to me
Tug at my heart
I am broken
I am found
I am released
On fire bricks
Changed me
Altered my path
My journey
My direction
My momentum
I will never
Ever
Be the same again
Twenty
Beautiful bricks!
**** Jacob Eaddy loved this story/poem that he turned it into a song that he sang for NFA you can see that here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiwHg-wEBXc (2009)
Withered, thin, gray, tired
Looking into your brown eyes and see no sparkle there
Welly eyed, deep sigh, blink loudly
How do I convey the desire for a long life
And the will to live that I hope for you
Which you do not hope for yourself?
A walker, fragile, a piece of cut and broken glass- azure blue
Chilly breeze blows through
Jackets thread bare and tattered
Friends arrive and laughter flows with sparkles
Whispers and jokes
Cheers and jeers
Found myself speechless
Baggage
I thought I was beyond, I thought was gone
Baggage
“She will definitely keep you warm”
The truth, out loud, not proud
Visions of thin, tall, long hair, not so curly, not so short, not so….
Fat
Baggage
No eye contact
Hunkered over a walker
Slaps on backs as if it was really something funny
Funny how we live in the past
Old memories, old photos, old man
Before me laughing, a sparkle at last
“She will definitely keep you warm”
Cowboy, icy blue eyes, cracked & tan face smiles
“I-like-a-lot-of-woman!”
Am I right here?
Less than three feet away?
Why did I come?
Why am I here?
“Mommy?”
Oh!
Dark brown eyes look up at me, an angelic smile… “Mommy!”
Oh!
A tug at my shirt, a beautiful little face
Oh!
“Mommy can I go play in the rocks?”
Rocks
Buried over secrets
Over lost dreams and hidden hopes
“Mommy?”
I have to go, I have to flee
I turn and someone stops me
“The old man looks good!”
A smile… “does he? Me? Oh yes, I’m fine…happy, yes. That’s my little girl; yes… she looks just like me.”
Flee towards the house, away
Inside my head the voices ring
“She will definitely keep you warm”, “I-like-a-lot-of-woman”
Why do I care?
Does it matter that I don’t measure up today just because… I-am-fat?
How do you measure success?
The lives we lead, hearts we touch, simple pleasures known only to close friends?
She will definitely keep you warm
That’s true
Today is today, I can’t help the past
No new pictures
No introductions
No acknowledgement
No account of today
Old pictures, old frames
Deep breath, deep sigh, lazy sadness lurking
How do you measure success?
Six figures?
Thin frame?
Perfect figure?
Ah!!
A love of your life?
Yes! Love, laughter, light
Release
This is not my burden to bear
Or my embarrassment
Ebb and flow
Weight on, weight off
It will come
Today I choose to love myself
As I am
Curves & all
And for today
That is enough
Now There Are Five
One departed on a Sunday
Scott on a Monday
He always did have Monday-itis
“Peace out suckers” I can hear him say…
Football season filled with Sunday games
Sweats and slippers, fire glowing in the fireplace
Scott made Sunday football huge
He had some pipes and rage!
His blue eyes always twinkling
Stubborn as a mule
He cared for me, my tough brother
Captain Crunch cereal in the middle of the night
In Jericho when his blood sugar dipped too low
We ate dry cereal in fistfuls
Four wheeling, whoop-de-doos, high signs and alcohol
Big brother time was always an adventure
Chevy truck over 25 years old…Scott was consistent
He’d snicker at hidden secrets and jokes
Always made silly, crazy faces
Loved the term, “Oh my hell”…
Horrible dancer, but so much fun to watch
His grilled steaks and chicken were the best
Always a bottle of Jack in one hand
Hardest worker I’ve ever known
Super blunt, a little too raw for most
He loved his boys
He’d do anything for you
Didn’t matter how much time passed…
He was always there and we never skipped a beat
He fought his type I Diabetes like a champion his entire life
But in the end…at age 52.. it fought back and won.
I had seven brothers… now there are five.
Please let me stay
I don’t want to go
Over there
Finger pointing
To the dark window
On the second floor
Orange blanket
Blows outside the
Window
Please don’t leave me
Small hand gripping
In panic
Belly growls
Hungry
Curled up on the
Washer machine
Covered in a military blanket
Shhhhhhh
Don’t tell them
I’m here, ok?
Please feed me
I need love
I can’t say if I’ve ever
Known true love
Unconditionally
Please let me stay
Just for a minute
Where it’s safe
And I feel loved
Not alone
Ten years old
I shouldn’t
Feel so all alone
Please let me shower
And borrow
Your clothes
I don’t know how to wash
Can you help me?
Do you see me?
I’m ten years old
And I’ve never known
Safety
Never known
A warm bed &
Soft pillows
A full belly
Three hot meals a day
Unknown to me
Please let me stay
I don’t want to go
Over there
Finger point to the dark window
On the second floor
It burns
This heartache
My lungs burn
I can’t breathe
I’m wanting to flee
But my breath
Is torn from me
It burns
The closer you get
To me
The harder I fall
She can’t support me
I can’t help myself
It burns
And blisters
This fear
Invades my nostrils
And everything
Stinks
Those eyes
So sad
Burn an image
In my brain
That won’t leave me
I can’t run
I don’t want to
But I must
This legacy burns
A panic in my heart
That can’t
Be shaken off me
That smile
Sad smile
Good-bye
Burns my heart
I want to stop
Spinning in circles
What is my new normal?
It burns
I can’t
Breathe
This road goes on
Forever
As I flee
This heartache burns
Dying in the hospital bed
Soft skin, ice chips
Lips cracked and parched
Distended stomach
IVs gurgling in and out of veins
Tumors running rampant
Swallowing internal organs for snacks
A five year battle- ovarian cancer
Touching hands, kissing fingertips- Internalized prayer
“God, if you make her better,
I will take her place.”
Not better
Emotional pain for those waiting
Sorrow
Tears
Monitors blink
Family members fidget in chairs
Like little girls having to pee
Opting to hold it for as long
As they possibly can
Last snuggle in the hospital bed
Your last sweet breath tickling her ears
Death in her arms
Gardenias and peach roses
The funeral was beautiful
Such a beautiful day
Oh to touch your soft skin one more time
Sun so bright
Orange leaves speckle the mountainside
Hazy sadness lurking behind eyes
Tears rolling down cheeks
Feeling faint
Sobbing, grabbing at arms…any
A peach rose in hand
Puzzled faces as I drop peach roses and gardenias on a cherry wood casket
I’ll remember her
Every time I see a peach rose or smell gardenias on a sunny day,
I will think of her
Jeni McCreary
*Dedicated to my Grandma Joyce, my Mom & my Aunties. No child should have to hold their parent in their arms when they die, but maybe it is a blessing? My Mom is the little girl in the sweet dress.
Casualties of War
Father screams for his son
Lying limp in his arms
Needing help, desperate for it
As bombs explode overhead
Casualties of War
Chaos
Burned flesh
Their scent blowing in the air
Little boy with eyes missing
Can you hear him weeping?
For his children?
Both sides, all his
Casualties of War
Tears, wailing, all wanting quiet
A little peace
A little joy
A chance to be free
Faces silent, mourning
Still living
Eyes staring darkly into photo lenses
Hostility growing
Mothers wailing the loss of their children
Food delivered
Running for safety
Casualties of War
Sirens blaring
Civilians trying to get food
Suddenly are on the ground
Praying they are not next
Casualties of War
Death
Alone
Dying, both sides
Bloody babies cradled
In weeping mothers’ arms
Casualties of War
Can you hear him weeping?
Silent sentries
Standing in murky mud
Heads bowed in defeat
Large yellow bulldozers stand guard
Wary of the unified Wood Storks
That have gathered
Muddy, silent, hungry
Unified Wood Storks poised, patient, waiting…
Frogs croak lazily, not realizing
They are surrounded
Fifty strong sentries standing
In murky mud- hungry
Frogs suddenly silenced
Swimming in warm bellies
Large yellow bulldozers nervously
Await their fate
From the silent sentries standing guard
In the murky mud
strengthdefined 