I jumped for the beauty
For the “Holy crap he’s beautiful”
This beautiful creature chose me!
The humility
The amazing conversations
Our easy banter, the wicked wit
The caring
But…all the beauty…everywhere
Those kisses, those moments
Worth it?
I am hurting
Images in my brain I can’t erase
How do I erase them?
How do I erase you?
Knowing I was never really a choice
Not even second or third, or fourth
Realization melts over my skin like sticky caramel
And whispers goodbye
Your love story
Enchanting
It gave people hope
It gave them joy
When the police appeared
Shock vibrated
You folded into arms
Weeping on shoulders
We cried with you
It triggered sadness
For a love story
That wasn’t
A reminder of realness
Of human behavior gone wrong
Choices made derailing
Everything
Cried for the brokenness
Of you
Of hope
Of missing love
Things will never be the same
You must keep going
Lift your head
Don’t look back
Don’t go back
In the brokenness
You will find your strength
And yourself
Your love story
Is still waiting
When you heal
And the brokenness molds you
Into something stronger
And even more precious
The best is yet to come
Don’t settle
Ever again
For now… mend
The courage to be still
That’s a hard one
I’ve lived the last six years
Ensuring I’m not still
Being still forces the
shhhhh…
Reflection
Pondering
Dealing with emotion
Work through mourning
Tackling anger
It’s so much easier
To NOT be still
Being still clears your head
Makes you cry
Forces you to work through
Your stuff… the junk
It’s not fun
It takes courage to be still
To heal
To change
To grow
To be a better human
But you have to find
Your courage
You have to want it
And sit in it
Your junk
All those pieces & parts
To change and heal
Even when afraid
Of the pain
It takes courage to
Be still
Please be still…
Repentance to others takes time
Often it’s never enough
Wounds are too deep
For others to accept
Salt water may cleanse the wound
But healing takes patience & time
Time we don’t have
Imagination is worse than reality
Yet reality can’t be heard
Or processed
Leaving wounds open
Picking at wounds never help
Picking at scabs when close to healing
Opens everything again
Prayers go up
And up
And up
And up
Where is the faith?
Lost it along the way?
No repentance will offer resolution
Or acceptance
Or forgiveness
Maybe forgiveness comes
In just letting go
Of the wounds?
Of each other?
Of the past?
Of the hurt?
Acceptance that things will never be the same again
Regardless of forgiveness
The decision that it is done
Done done
When do the wounds heal?
What makes repentance meaningful?
When does healing come?
Mentally?
Emotionally?
Physically?
Let go and let God?
Easier said than done
Wounds ooze as they heal
The process takes time
Time is something we don’t have
Or do we?
You
Will
When
You’re
Ready
Time
You have something to say
But throat constricts
In fear
Can you be raw
Even in the hurt
I’ll take you
Wounded
Even with poor examples
Giving forgiveness
Sitting at your feet
Sweating
Just wanting you to know
I love you anyway
Regardless of your mistakes
Simply because I choose you
Unconditionally
Light fractures into the bedroom
Sleepy eyes watching from bed
The prisms of light kiss the walls
And rebound around the room
Close my eyes
Not ready to get up
Sadness vibrating
Mourning what feels like
Everything
I dose again- not the normal
Three hours later
I open my eyes
Only to see light dancing
Across the bedroom wall
The floor shimmers
Where did my resilience go?
I was born tough
But not today
I close my eyes again
Sinking deep under the covers
Images and faces haunt me
I fall back to sleep
Crying
1 p.m. I wake again, swollen-eyes
Mourning
Light still resilient, patiently
Fracturing the walls and floor
I raise my hand and trace the light with my fingertips
The shimmering patterns of the sunshine is
Beautiful
I am beautiful
My heart, my mind, my body
Is beautiful
Deep sigh, inhale a long breath in
I force myself out of bed
The dogs are waiting for me at the bedroom door
I step
Trying to shake off the heaviness of
Life decisions
Hard decisions
My resilience feels
Shakey
I put on boxing gloves
And begin to pound the heavy bag
I am strong
I am tough
I am remarkable
The sunshine continues to fracture around me
Circling me in its beautiful, dancing light
It is resilient
So am I
The wind blows gently across the humid night
A dragonfly lands on a piece of vine
The smell of jasmine intoxicates my brain
Tiny feathers of a baby duck float in my hand
The wonders of love and time
Did I ever really know?
Could I only guess?
The empty red sleigh of so long ago
Is still empty today
Without a thought or even regret?
My tough bravado so mean to shine, to dream
Kisses upon my forehead
Laughter upon your lips
Your lashes are as long as whips
Blueberries and cream
All those impossible things
Like sugar in iced tea that never dissolves
But still wet
One wonders why your hand is blue
Your heart cold as steel
Like the bitter aspirin I tried so hard to swallow
What do you need my dear?
What can I bring?
Can I bring you flowers on a cold day that fills your heart with love?
Can I bring you my kisses?
Oh, how they use to mean so much!
Honeybees and trinket locks
Lost in time and rust forgot
The splendid dreams and goals that were never meant for me
Long leisurely naps of gold
To erase that old worn path that deemed to be…
Me
Trodden and spoiled, forever soiled
The beauty of that part that tickles my heart never rings
Sunglasses with hazy sadness lurking behind my eyes
Little girl blue in stockings and lace
If only you could see your face
What happened to the sunshine when the clouds came
And knocked you to the ground?
Get up!
Breath, dream, feel and touch
Paranoid places in dark mystic faces
That no one cares to cross or touch
Reality a given, long and hidden
Letting the world fly by
Wanting so much
Asking so little
Always subject to eyes
You are too big
You are too tall
Well let me say how small you are my dear
My laughter and my tears
Goals made of jelly
Sticky at the slightest touch
Butterflies whisper the secret of a long-forgotten love
Build up that wall
Stick to your guns
Fight, fight, fight, fight
Blue jays in a ruckus, ducks talking tomorrow
I am only saying, “Tonight”
Care to hear that story of one so long ago
That whispered clever says of a not so clever man
I need you, I want you
But wait…lies, hidden contacts, no authenticity
What were those words spoken with a smile on your part?
Ah yes, it is coming back to me like syrup over biscuits
You do not want me
School of style on a column page
Progress in its finest
Etiquette on your knees
Please let me tell you
Oh, hear me say
I loved the thought of you
What could and never will be
Little red sleigh
Slides to my feet
Empty again
Should that surprise me?
Alas, my guess would be
It has always been there
And so sad… always, always empty
* I wrote this poem over twenty years ago. Let only a few read it. Dusting off some old pieces and sharing. Sometimes to heal, we need to let go of the past.
Jeni M.
When it seems like I have been here forever
I dream of the rustic, tree lined mountain top
And my rock overlooking the city
Where I sit for hours
To contemplate life
Scented wild flowers unplug my
City polluted nostrils
I run free as can be, smiling
A fuzzy brown rabbit scurries under the tree
The sun winks down
My thoughts carry back to you
Stirring from my daydream
I look out the dusty window
Watch as the heavy fog crowds in around the city
It begins to rain
A deep sigh escapes my lips
I return to my work
It seems like I have been here forever
Oh Mommy- is that my lady bug?
Can you get her for me?
Giddy daughter, five years old
Hopping from one foot to the other
I watered the hanging plants in the back yard
I gently let a lady bug crawl on my finger
Transferred the lady bug to an outstretched mini finger
She grinned from ear-to-ear
Shhh now, don’t scare her
A loud whisper roared, “Oh- I won’t Mommy, I won’t!”
“She likes me Mommy! Look at her go”
Hopping up & down
The lady bug roamed from finger to hand
Hand to elbow
Elbow to shoulder
And back down again
Little Miss stood frozen watching her go
“Oh Mommy- look at her, isn’t she beautiful?”
Yes, yes she is and I was not talking about the lady bug
My deaf Australian shepherd crawled into my lap
Her bright blue eyes mimic the Florida sky
I kissed her soft, fuzzy head
We watched the traveling lady bug
Travel on little fingers next to us
A lady bug kind of day
To reflect about the beauty of the wind,
The sunshine, priorities & what they should be
A lady bug kind of day
To reflect on TODAY
To appreciate, recognize, feel and connect
To those we love & that matter most
Or should
Shhhh… don’t scare your lady bug!
“Oh, I’m not Mommy- look at her go”
Lady bug perched on a freckled little shoulder
Time, goes so fast as we age
One day we’ll wake up to a quiet house
Empty rooms
Lady bugs a faded memory
What does your legacy look like?
What are you fighting for?
Five year old is fast asleep
Upset that she couldn’t bring her lady bug inside
Maybe I should have woken her
To find a few more lady bugs together
That’s what our days should be for
A lady bug kind of day
Busy lives keep us
Distracted
Never having to deal
With it, or them, or life
We grind so hard and so long
That it’s easy
To flop into bed
Exhausted
Causing our own exhaustion
Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning
Organize, organize, organize
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Can’t stop
Must keep moving
Must keep going
Otherwise we’ll have to deal
With the missing
Missing friends
Missing family
Missing memories
Missing time
Missing dreams
Eaten up with
Must stay busy
Must be busy
Stay “fine”, “I’m good”
The quiet overwhelms
The brain that just wants
Reprieve
From all the planning
All the busy
All the tired
But isn’t it sad
Incredibly sad
That in all the busy
We’re missing
Our children’s giggles
Dogs at our feet wanting attention
The hawk perched in the tree
Staring & hoping that you’ll
Catch a higher vision
For yourself
For your family
For your friends
Is it worth it?
Your inability to slow down?
And enjoy
Who you are
What you are
Whose you are
Right now?
You can’t out run it
Your pain
But one day
When you’re ready
You will heal
And the busy
Will melt
Into a life that is
More
More centered
More balanced
More peaceful
In the meantime busy lives keep us
Distracted
Never having to deal
With it, or them, or life
strengthdefined 