Time

Repentance to others takes time

Often it’s never enough

Wounds are too deep

For others to accept

Salt water may cleanse the wound 

But healing takes patience & time

Time we don’t have

Imagination is worse than reality

Yet reality can’t be heard

Or processed

Leaving wounds open

Picking at wounds never help 

Picking at scabs when close to healing 

Opens everything again

Prayers go up

And up

And up

And up

Where is the faith? 

Lost it along the way? 

No repentance will offer resolution 

Or acceptance

Or forgiveness

Maybe forgiveness comes 

In just letting go

Of the wounds?

Of each other? 

Of the past?

Of the hurt?

Acceptance that things will never be the same again 

Regardless of forgiveness 

The decision that it is done 

Done done

When do the wounds heal?

What makes repentance meaningful?

When does healing come?

Mentally?

Emotionally? 

Physically?

Let go and let God?

Easier said than done 

Wounds ooze as they heal 

The process takes time

Time is something we don’t have 

Or do we?

You

Will

When

You’re

Ready

Time

Unconditionally

You have something to say

But throat constricts

In fear

Can you be raw

Even in the hurt

I’ll take you

Wounded

Even with poor examples

Giving forgiveness

Sitting at your feet

Sweating

Just wanting you to know

I love you anyway 

Regardless of your mistakes

Simply because I choose you

Unconditionally

Resilience

Light fractures into the bedroom

Sleepy eyes watching from bed

The prisms of light kiss the walls

And rebound around the room

Close my eyes

Not ready to get up

Sadness vibrating

Mourning what feels like

Everything

I dose again- not the normal

Three hours later

I open my eyes

Only to see light dancing

Across the bedroom wall

The floor shimmers

Where did my resilience go?

I was born tough

But not today

I close my eyes again

Sinking deep under the covers

Images and faces haunt me

I fall back to sleep

Crying

1 p.m. I wake again, swollen-eyes

Mourning

Light still resilient, patiently

Fracturing the walls and floor

I raise my hand and trace the light with my fingertips

The shimmering patterns of the sunshine is

Beautiful

I am beautiful

My heart, my mind, my body

Is beautiful

Deep sigh, inhale a long breath in

I force myself out of bed

The dogs are waiting for me at the bedroom door

I step

Trying to shake off the heaviness of

Life decisions

Hard decisions

My resilience feels

Shakey

I put on boxing gloves

And begin to pound the heavy bag

I am strong

I am tough

I am remarkable

The sunshine continues to fracture around me

Circling me in its beautiful, dancing light

It is resilient

So am I

Empty Red Sleigh

The wind blows gently across the humid night

A dragonfly lands on a piece of vine

The smell of jasmine intoxicates my brain

Tiny feathers of a baby duck float in my hand

The wonders of love and time

Did I ever really know?

Could I only guess?

The empty red sleigh of so long ago

Is still empty today

Without a thought or even regret?

My tough bravado so mean to shine, to dream

Kisses upon my forehead

Laughter upon your lips

Your lashes are as long as whips

Blueberries and cream

All those impossible things

Like sugar in iced tea that never dissolves

But still wet

One wonders why your hand is blue

Your heart cold as steel

Like the bitter aspirin I tried so hard to swallow

What do you need my dear?

What can I bring?

Can I bring you flowers on a cold day that fills your heart with love?

Can I bring you my kisses?

Oh, how they use to mean so much!

Honeybees and trinket locks

Lost in time and rust forgot

The splendid dreams and goals that were never meant for me

Long leisurely naps of gold

To erase that old worn path that deemed to be…

Me

Trodden and spoiled, forever soiled

The beauty of that part that tickles my heart never rings

Sunglasses with hazy sadness lurking behind my eyes

Little girl blue in stockings and lace

If only you could see your face

What happened to the sunshine when the clouds came

And knocked you to the ground?

Get up!

Breath, dream, feel and touch

Paranoid places in dark mystic faces

That no one cares to cross or touch

Reality a given, long and hidden

Letting the world fly by

Wanting so much

Asking so little

Always subject to eyes

You are too big

You are too tall

Well let me say how small you are my dear

My laughter and my tears

Goals made of jelly

Sticky at the slightest touch

Butterflies whisper the secret of a long-forgotten love

Build up that wall

Stick to your guns

Fight, fight, fight, fight

Blue jays in a ruckus, ducks talking tomorrow

I am only saying, “Tonight”

Care to hear that story of one so long ago

That whispered clever says of a not so clever man

I need you, I want you

But wait…lies, hidden contacts, no authenticity

What were those words spoken with a smile on your part?

Ah yes, it is coming back to me like syrup over biscuits

You do not want me

School of style on a column page

Progress in its finest

Etiquette on your knees

Please let me tell you

Oh, hear me say

I loved the thought of you

What could and never will be

Little red sleigh

Slides to my feet

Empty again

Should that surprise me?

Alas, my guess would be

It has always been there

And so sad… always, always empty

* I wrote this poem over twenty years ago.  Let only a few read it. Dusting off some old pieces and sharing. Sometimes to heal, we need to let go of the past.

Jeni M.

Been Here

When it seems like I have been here forever

I dream of the rustic, tree lined mountain top

And my rock overlooking the city

Where I sit for hours

To contemplate life

Scented wild flowers unplug my

City polluted nostrils

I run free as can be, smiling

A fuzzy brown rabbit scurries under the tree

The sun winks down

My thoughts carry back to you

Stirring from my daydream

I look out the dusty window

Watch as the heavy fog crowds in around the city

It begins to rain

A deep sigh escapes my lips

I return to my work

It seems like I have been here forever

A Lady Bug Kind of Day

Oh Mommy- is that my lady bug? 

Can you get her for me? 

Giddy daughter, five years old

Hopping from one foot to the other

I watered the hanging plants in the back yard

I gently let a lady bug crawl on my finger 

Transferred the lady bug to an outstretched mini finger

She grinned from ear-to-ear

Shhh now, don’t scare her

A loud whisper roared, “Oh- I won’t Mommy, I won’t!”

“She likes me Mommy! Look at her go”

Hopping up & down 

The lady bug roamed from finger to hand 

Hand to elbow 

Elbow to shoulder 

And back down again 

Little Miss stood frozen watching her go

“Oh Mommy- look at her, isn’t she beautiful?”

Yes, yes she is and I was not talking about the lady bug

My deaf Australian shepherd crawled into my lap

Her bright blue eyes mimic the Florida sky

I kissed her soft, fuzzy head 

We watched the traveling lady bug

Travel on little fingers next to us

A lady bug kind of day

To reflect about the beauty of the wind, 

The sunshine, priorities & what they should be

A lady bug kind of day 

To reflect on TODAY

To appreciate, recognize, feel and connect 

To those we love & that matter most

Or should

Shhhh… don’t scare your lady bug! 

“Oh, I’m not Mommy- look at her go”

Lady bug perched on a freckled little shoulder 

Time, goes so fast as we age

One day we’ll wake up to a quiet house

Empty rooms

Lady bugs a faded memory 

What does your legacy look like?

What are you fighting for?

Five year old is fast asleep

Upset that she couldn’t bring her lady bug inside

Maybe I should have woken her

To find a few more lady bugs together

That’s what our days should be for

A lady bug kind of day 

Distracted

Busy lives keep us 

Distracted

Never having to deal

With it, or them, or life

We grind so hard and so long

That it’s easy 

To flop into bed

Exhausted

Causing our own exhaustion

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning

Organize, organize, organize

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 

Can’t stop

Must keep moving

Must keep going

Otherwise we’ll have to deal 

With the missing 

Missing friends

Missing family

Missing memories

Missing time

Missing dreams

Eaten up with 

Must stay busy

Must be busy

Stay “fine”, “I’m good”

The quiet overwhelms

The brain that just wants

Reprieve

From all the planning

All the busy

All the tired

But isn’t it sad

Incredibly sad 

That in all the busy

We’re missing 

Our children’s giggles

Dogs at our feet wanting attention

The hawk perched in the tree

Staring & hoping that you’ll

Catch a higher vision

For yourself

For your family

For your friends

Is it worth it?

Your inability to slow down?

And enjoy 

Who you are

What you are

Whose you are

Right now?

You can’t out run it

Your pain

But one day

When you’re ready

You will heal

And the busy 

Will melt

Into a life that is 

More

More centered 

More balanced 

More peaceful

In the meantime busy lives keep us 

Distracted

Never having to deal

With it, or them, or life