Compelled

Compelled

To Red Rock Canyon

To climb and hike 

And be

To breathe

To feel the hot Vegas sunshine on my face & shoulders

I HAD to be there

Couldn’t not go

I had to share this beautiful place

With my friends

I stared up the mountain trail

Already half way up

I knew… I had to run the rest of the way up

My feet started to chop

Digging in to slippery gravel & rocks

My lungs burned

Not use to the altitude

Her voice in my head: you can do this honey, you can

I can do anything I set my mind too

Once at the top I wanted to pass out

Near asthma attack

But I did it

Climbing mountains in life is tough

But we will make it

The way down will be so much sweeter

Joy is coming, it will come back

My brother… dumbfounded

What compelled you to Red Rock Canyon?

Me: I couldn’t NOT be there, I felt driven to be

Brother: you do know I scattered Mom’s ashes all through that canyon?

Tilt!

Tears… I was beckoned there…

Love, grit and peace 

Compelled 

Red Rock Canyon, 9/29/18

Roller coaster

Grief like a roller coaster

Up

Down

High

Low

Up has been longer

Until recently

Seeing your blue eyes everywhere

Your silly sneezes

Your outlandish sunglasses

Orange skies painted just for me

Reached for the phone

Wishing we could chat

Talked out loud to you several times

Need some solid Mama advice

Louie Armstrong randomly played,

“La Vie En Rose”

Closing my eyes and oh the memories…

Your awful singing

Our awkward dancing

Falling into each other’s arms laughing

Need you now more than ever

Your paintings everywhere

They make me happy

Headed to Vegas & I wonder

Will I find you there?

Vegas your home for over 22 years

The memories

The missing

The joy

Of you… everywhere

Grief like a roller coaster

Up

Down

High

Low

 

image: Google image

 

Resilience

Light fractures into the bedroom

Sleepy eyes watching from bed

The prisms of light kiss the walls

And rebound around the room

Close my eyes

Not ready to get up

Sadness vibrating

Mourning what feels like

Everything

I dose again- not the normal

Three hours later

I open my eyes

Only to see light dancing

Across the bedroom wall

The floor shimmers

Where did my resilience go?

I was born tough

But not today

I close my eyes again

Sinking deep under the covers

Images and faces haunt me

I fall back to sleep

Crying

1 p.m. I wake again, swollen-eyes

Mourning

Light still resilient, patiently

Fracturing the walls and floor

I raise my hand and trace the light with my fingertips

The shimmering patterns of the sunshine is

Beautiful

I am beautiful

My heart, my mind, my body

Is beautiful

Deep sigh, inhale a long breath in

I force myself out of bed

The dogs are waiting for me at the bedroom door

I step

Trying to shake off the heaviness of

Life decisions

Hard decisions

My resilience feels

Shakey

I put on boxing gloves

And begin to pound the heavy bag

I am strong

I am tough

I am remarkable

The sunshine continues to fracture around me

Circling me in its beautiful, dancing light

It is resilient

So am I

Don’t Waste Any More Time

It was a Monday

Laid up at home

Left kidney screaming

Flopping around like a fish

Anxious, turned on Oprah

Topic of ‘dying’ with

Dr. Pausch’s last lecture

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

Pondering

Thinking

Crying

What would you do different

If you knew you were going to die in 3-6 months?

What would you change and why?

Why wait?

Don’t wait

Don’t waste any more time

Your life is calling

Are you listening?

Listen

You are

You do

You can

You will

Don’t waste any more time

Jerry Miller

A little bit brash

A whole lot of funny

Best damn mango martini’s you’ll ever have

The love of his ladies

All over his face when he stood watching each of you

Each of you fly and grow and become the beautiful women

That you are today

He’s proud and honored

To call you wife, daughter, granddaughter, friend, family…

A mentor

A champion

A fighter

Hilarious

His eyes twinkled mischievously and

That laugh

My God what a laugh with head tipped back

Or slapping a knee

He believed anything was possible

With hard work

Focus

And a little pain…

You carry on

You must

Stay bold

As he was

He wouldn’t want it

Any other way

Jeni McCreary

*Jerry Miller 1/6/2017 RIP

Been Here

When it seems like I have been here forever

I dream of the rustic, tree lined mountain top

And my rock overlooking the city

Where I sit for hours

To contemplate life

Scented wild flowers unplug my

City polluted nostrils

I run free as can be, smiling

A fuzzy brown rabbit scurries under the tree

The sun winks down

My thoughts carry back to you

Stirring from my daydream

I look out the dusty window

Watch as the heavy fog crowds in around the city

It begins to rain

A deep sigh escapes my lips

I return to my work

It seems like I have been here forever

For What It’s Worth…

For what it’s worth:

It’s never too late or,

in my case, too early to be

whoever you want to be.

There’s no limit,

stop whenever you want.

You can change or stay the same,

There are no rules

To this thing. We can make

the best or the worst of it.

I hope you make the best of it.

And I hope you

see things that startle you.

I hope you feel things

You never felt before.

I hope you meet people with

A different point of view.

I hope you live a life

You’re proud of. If you

find that you’re not, I hope

you have the courage

To start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald