Imperfectly Perfect

The light shimmered and danced 

Along the ocean waves 

Sand pipers ran to catch periwinkle 

A glimmer catches

Attention

A beautiful shell

Cracked & broken 

And another 

And another

And another

A reminder that

Right now

This moment

It’s ok to feel 

What you need to feel

Be what you need to be

To realize that even 

In your imperfections

You’re still perfect 

Right now

As you are, today  

So give yourself

A little credit

A little praise 

You’re not the person 

You were yesterday 

Tomorrow 

You won’t be the person 

You are today

Embrace your now

Love, cry, feel, be, enjoy

Find your happy

In quiet 

In the waves 

Stirring up beautiful 

Broken seashells 

That will remain 

Imperfectly perfect

Just like you

The Courage to Be Still

The courage to be still

That’s a hard one 

I’ve lived the last six years 

Ensuring I’m not still

Being still forces the 

shhhhh…

Reflection

Pondering

Dealing with emotion

Work through mourning 

Tackling anger

It’s so much easier

To NOT be still

Being still clears your head

Makes you cry

Forces you to work through 

Your stuff… the junk

It’s not fun

It takes courage to be still

To heal 

To change

To grow

To be a better human

But you have to find 

Your courage 

You have to want it

And sit in it

Your junk

All those pieces & parts 

To change and heal

Even when afraid 

Of the pain

It takes courage to 

Be still

Please be still…

Compelled

Compelled

To Red Rock Canyon

To climb and hike 

And be

To breathe

To feel the hot Vegas sunshine on my face & shoulders

I HAD to be there

Couldn’t not go

I had to share this beautiful place

With my friends

I stared up the mountain trail

Already half way up

I knew… I had to run the rest of the way up

My feet started to chop

Digging in to slippery gravel & rocks

My lungs burned

Not use to the altitude

Her voice in my head: you can do this honey, you can

I can do anything I set my mind too

Once at the top I wanted to pass out

Near asthma attack

But I did it

Climbing mountains in life is tough

But we will make it

The way down will be so much sweeter

Joy is coming, it will come back

My brother… dumbfounded

What compelled you to Red Rock Canyon?

Me: I couldn’t NOT be there, I felt driven to be

Brother: you do know I scattered Mom’s ashes all through that canyon?

Tilt!

Tears… I was beckoned there…

Love, grit and peace 

Compelled 

Red Rock Canyon, 9/29/18

Roller coaster

Grief like a roller coaster

Up

Down

High

Low

Up has been longer

Until recently

Seeing your blue eyes everywhere

Your silly sneezes

Your outlandish sunglasses

Orange skies painted just for me

Reached for the phone

Wishing we could chat

Talked out loud to you several times

Need some solid Mama advice

Louie Armstrong randomly played,

“La Vie En Rose”

Closing my eyes and oh the memories…

Your awful singing

Our awkward dancing

Falling into each other’s arms laughing

Need you now more than ever

Your paintings everywhere

They make me happy

Headed to Vegas & I wonder

Will I find you there?

Vegas your home for over 22 years

The memories

The missing

The joy

Of you… everywhere

Grief like a roller coaster

Up

Down

High

Low

 

image: Google image

 

Resilience

Light fractures into the bedroom

Sleepy eyes watching from bed

The prisms of light kiss the walls

And rebound around the room

Close my eyes

Not ready to get up

Sadness vibrating

Mourning what feels like

Everything

I dose again- not the normal

Three hours later

I open my eyes

Only to see light dancing

Across the bedroom wall

The floor shimmers

Where did my resilience go?

I was born tough

But not today

I close my eyes again

Sinking deep under the covers

Images and faces haunt me

I fall back to sleep

Crying

1 p.m. I wake again, swollen-eyes

Mourning

Light still resilient, patiently

Fracturing the walls and floor

I raise my hand and trace the light with my fingertips

The shimmering patterns of the sunshine is

Beautiful

I am beautiful

My heart, my mind, my body

Is beautiful

Deep sigh, inhale a long breath in

I force myself out of bed

The dogs are waiting for me at the bedroom door

I step

Trying to shake off the heaviness of

Life decisions

Hard decisions

My resilience feels

Shakey

I put on boxing gloves

And begin to pound the heavy bag

I am strong

I am tough

I am remarkable

The sunshine continues to fracture around me

Circling me in its beautiful, dancing light

It is resilient

So am I

Don’t Waste Any More Time

It was a Monday

Laid up at home

Left kidney screaming

Flopping around like a fish

Anxious, turned on Oprah

Topic of ‘dying’ with

Dr. Pausch’s last lecture

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

Pondering

Thinking

Crying

What would you do different

If you knew you were going to die in 3-6 months?

What would you change and why?

Why wait?

Don’t wait

Don’t waste any more time

Your life is calling

Are you listening?

Listen

You are

You do

You can

You will

Don’t waste any more time

Jerry Miller

A little bit brash

A whole lot of funny

Best damn mango martini’s you’ll ever have

The love of his ladies

All over his face when he stood watching each of you

Each of you fly and grow and become the beautiful women

That you are today

He’s proud and honored

To call you wife, daughter, granddaughter, friend, family…

A mentor

A champion

A fighter

Hilarious

His eyes twinkled mischievously and

That laugh

My God what a laugh with head tipped back

Or slapping a knee

He believed anything was possible

With hard work

Focus

And a little pain…

You carry on

You must

Stay bold

As he was

He wouldn’t want it

Any other way

Jeni McCreary

*Jerry Miller 1/6/2017 RIP