The Box

I stare at the box before me

Sweat rolls off the tip of my nose

The voice inside my head screams

“I can’t”

“I can’t do it”

These thoughts in my head

“I’m not nimble”

“I’m too heavy”

“I’ll twist an ankle”

Time is ticking

Still staring at the box

A tap on my shoulder startles me

“You can do this, put the dumbbell down and just step up. One foot at a time. You can DO THIS”

The box, my nemesis

I growl and clap my hands

Silencing the thoughts in my head

Listening to coach and whisper

“I can do this”

Another drip of sweat falls off my nose and then another

I step up

Step down

Step up

Step down

I’m doing the thing

Every fiber & muscles in my legs and glutes are screaming

Burning

Changing

This box is going DOWN

Yes

I

Can

 And

I

Did

 JJ Taylor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sticky Caramel

I jumped for the beauty

For the “Holy crap he’s beautiful”

This beautiful creature chose me!

The humility

The amazing conversations

Our easy banter, the wicked wit

The caring

But…all the beauty…everywhere

Those kisses, those moments

Worth it?

I am hurting

Images in my brain I can’t erase

How do I erase them?

How do I erase you?

Knowing I was never really a choice

Not even second or third, or fourth

Realization melts over my skin like sticky caramel

And whispers goodbye

In It Together

Tornado sirens

Tornados

Beer & BBQ

Torrential down pour

Watching in awe

Uber’s

Awkward hotel neighbor

Stain glass windows

Cary Grant

Amazing suite

Laughter

Lots of it

Sleep- finally

Lazy loafing

In our underwear

Front row seats to Cardinal game

3rd base dugout

More beer

Face plant running up stairs

Tipsy

Beautiful faces

Too far down dark street

Drug deal 5ft from us

Vanilla Crown

Cookies

Homemade chips smothered in cheese

Room service

Budweiser tour

Clydesdales

Drag queens

Horrible country bar

Nasty Lyft driver

The blues

Best gumbo ever

Best sax player ever

Secrets whispered

Freedom

Janice

Laughter

Tears

Feeling family

Everywhere

One for the books

Missing you

Missing me

Distance can’t take

A sisterhood that withstands

Anything

Especially with us

In it together

Always

JJ McCreary

(St. Louis, Mo)

 

Peace

You have it all wrong, he said

Do I?

You’ll regret it, he said

Will I?

I am exhausted 

Tired

Ready for more

To be nourished

Cared for

Looked for

Sought after

I started dreaming again

On my own

About a future

About quiet

About peace

Peace isn’t enough, he said

For me, right now

It is

Imperfectly Perfect

The light shimmered and danced 

Along the ocean waves 

Sand pipers ran to catch periwinkle 

A glimmer catches

Attention

A beautiful shell

Cracked & broken 

And another 

And another

And another

A reminder that

Right now

This moment

It’s ok to feel 

What you need to feel

Be what you need to be

To realize that even 

In your imperfections

You’re still perfect 

Right now

As you are, today  

So give yourself

A little credit

A little praise 

You’re not the person 

You were yesterday 

Tomorrow 

You won’t be the person 

You are today

Embrace your now

Love, cry, feel, be, enjoy

Find your happy

In quiet 

In the waves 

Stirring up beautiful 

Broken seashells 

That will remain 

Imperfectly perfect

Just like you

Brokenness

Your love story 

Enchanting

It gave people hope 

It gave them joy

When the police appeared

Shock vibrated 

You folded into arms 

Weeping on shoulders

We cried with you

It triggered sadness

For a love story

That wasn’t

A reminder of realness

Of human behavior gone wrong

Choices made derailing

Everything

Cried for the brokenness

Of you 

Of hope

Of missing love

Things will never be the same

You must keep going

Lift your head

Don’t look back

Don’t go back

In the brokenness

You will find your strength

And yourself

Your love story 

Is still waiting

When you heal

And the brokenness molds you

Into something stronger 

And even more precious 

The best is yet to come

Don’t settle

Ever again

For now… mend

The Courage to Be Still

The courage to be still

That’s a hard one 

I’ve lived the last six years 

Ensuring I’m not still

Being still forces the 

shhhhh…

Reflection

Pondering

Dealing with emotion

Work through mourning 

Tackling anger

It’s so much easier

To NOT be still

Being still clears your head

Makes you cry

Forces you to work through 

Your stuff… the junk

It’s not fun

It takes courage to be still

To heal 

To change

To grow

To be a better human

But you have to find 

Your courage 

You have to want it

And sit in it

Your junk

All those pieces & parts 

To change and heal

Even when afraid 

Of the pain

It takes courage to 

Be still

Please be still…

Compelled

Compelled

To Red Rock Canyon

To climb and hike 

And be

To breathe

To feel the hot Vegas sunshine on my face & shoulders

I HAD to be there

Couldn’t not go

I had to share this beautiful place

With my friends

I stared up the mountain trail

Already half way up

I knew… I had to run the rest of the way up

My feet started to chop

Digging in to slippery gravel & rocks

My lungs burned

Not use to the altitude

Her voice in my head: you can do this honey, you can

I can do anything I set my mind too

Once at the top I wanted to pass out

Near asthma attack

But I did it

Climbing mountains in life is tough

But we will make it

The way down will be so much sweeter

Joy is coming, it will come back

My brother… dumbfounded

What compelled you to Red Rock Canyon?

Me: I couldn’t NOT be there, I felt driven to be

Brother: you do know I scattered Mom’s ashes all through that canyon?

Tilt!

Tears… I was beckoned there…

Love, grit and peace 

Compelled 

Red Rock Canyon, 9/29/18

Roller coaster

Grief like a roller coaster

Up

Down

High

Low

Up has been longer

Until recently

Seeing your blue eyes everywhere

Your silly sneezes

Your outlandish sunglasses

Orange skies painted just for me

Reached for the phone

Wishing we could chat

Talked out loud to you several times

Need some solid Mama advice

Louie Armstrong randomly played,

“La Vie En Rose”

Closing my eyes and oh the memories…

Your awful singing

Our awkward dancing

Falling into each other’s arms laughing

Need you now more than ever

Your paintings everywhere

They make me happy

Headed to Vegas & I wonder

Will I find you there?

Vegas your home for over 22 years

The memories

The missing

The joy

Of you… everywhere

Grief like a roller coaster

Up

Down

High

Low

 

image: Google image