rain – strengthdefined

Imperfectly Perfect

The light shimmered and danced

Along the ocean waves

Sand pipers ran to catch periwinkle

A glimmer catches

Attention

A beautiful shell

Cracked & broken

And another

A reminder that

Right now

This moment

It’s ok to feel

What you need to feel

Be what you need to be

To realize that even

In your imperfections

You’re still perfect

Right now

As you are, today

So give yourself

A little credit

A little praise

You’re not the person

You were yesterday

Tomorrow

You won’t be the person

You are today

Embrace your now

Love, cry, feel, be, enjoy

Find your happy

In quiet

In the waves

Stirring up beautiful

Broken seashells

That will remain

Imperfectly perfect

Just like you

The Courage to Be Still

The courage to be still

That’s a hard one

I’ve lived the last six years

Ensuring I’m not still

Being still forces the

shhhhh…

Reflection

Pondering

Dealing with emotion

Work through mourning

Tackling anger

It’s so much easier

To NOT be still

Being still clears your head

Makes you cry

Forces you to work through

Your stuff… the junk

It’s not fun

It takes courage to be still

To heal

To change

To grow

To be a better human

But you have to find

Your courage

You have to want it

And sit in it

Your junk

All those pieces & parts

To change and heal

Even when afraid

Of the pain

It takes courage to

Be still

Please be still…

Roller coaster

Grief like a roller coaster

Down

High

Low

Up has been longer

Until recently

Seeing your blue eyes everywhere

Your silly sneezes

Your outlandish sunglasses

Orange skies painted just for me

Reached for the phone

Wishing we could chat

Talked out loud to you several times

Need some solid Mama advice

Louie Armstrong randomly played,

“La Vie En Rose”

Closing my eyes and oh the memories…

Your awful singing

Our awkward dancing

Falling into each other’s arms laughing

Need you now more than ever

Your paintings everywhere

They make me happy

Headed to Vegas & I wonder

Will I find you there?

Vegas your home for over 22 years

The memories

The missing

The joy

Of you… everywhere

Grief like a roller coaster

Down

High

Low

image: Google image

Blue

Blue The Color of…

The sky

Glaciers

Sea glass

Peacocks

Blue bells

Lanterns

Ocean

Nail polish

Walls

Blue the color of emotions…

Melancholy

Sadness

Tears

Turbulent

Transcending through multiple shades

And layers

Of blue

Laughing

Crying

Wandering thoughts

Route back to you

Letting go is blue

Healing wrapped in a warm fuzzy blue blanket

Blue crayons draw blue hearts

Mourning you, Mourning me

Dark eyes look in the mirror, wanting only peace

Peace is vibrant robin egg blue

I’ll find you there

Happy

Melting into blue lapis

Sun shining in the crisp

Blue sky

Time

Repentance to others takes time

Often it’s never enough

Wounds are too deep

For others to accept

Salt water may cleanse the wound

But healing takes patience & time

Time we don’t have

Imagination is worse than reality

Yet reality can’t be heard

Or processed

Leaving wounds open

Picking at wounds never help

Picking at scabs when close to healing

Opens everything again

Prayers go up

And up

Where is the faith?

Lost it along the way?

No repentance will offer resolution

Or acceptance

Or forgiveness

Maybe forgiveness comes

In just letting go

Of the wounds?

Of each other?

Of the past?

Of the hurt?

Acceptance that things will never be the same again

Regardless of forgiveness

The decision that it is done

Done done

When do the wounds heal?

What makes repentance meaningful?

When does healing come?

Mentally?

Emotionally?

Physically?

Let go and let God?

Easier said than done

Wounds ooze as they heal

The process takes time

Time is something we don’t have

Or do we?

You

Will

When

You’re

Ready

Time

Only Guests

Humidity over 110%

Blue sky

Puffy white clouds

Mouths open in awe

Taking it all in

Architecture

Cuban cigars & smoke

Everywhere

Cobblestone streets hundreds of years old

Pimp in green shirt

Has right boxing ear

Fast talker

Encourages us to go to hidden location

Goods 50% off

Our brave leader disappears

With a local panhandler to look at cigars

We stand in the heaviness

Of a local alley

Reminded that we don’t belong here

Only guests traveling through

Locals stare, unwelcome faces

Some swear at us in Spanish

Some curse us

Others cat call our beautiful teenagers

Mamas on guard ready to scrap

Stern local police with shot guns

Stare at us like we’re crazy

I believe we may be

The only guests traveling this ally

We surely took a wrong turn

Leader asks police for picture

Now they’re contemplating sending

Crazy Americans to jail

Coffee or shotgun

We choose coffee sprinting away

Dogs with ribs jut out

Running the streets mangy & hungry

They seek solace with us

The pet loving Americans

Santeria priests & priestesses everywhere

Unnerving everyone

Oh the Cuban coffee smells divine

Beautiful cafes

Ropa vieja

Black beans & rice

Mangy kitty with a heart in fur welcomes us to fine dining in the rain

Salsa music

Maracas

Pregnant women asking for milk for their babies

Havana rum

Mojitos

Fairy forest in the city that is surreal

Locals every color, eyes vary & stunning

Not much joy in many of those eyes

An occasional smile

Old sexy cars in a time warp

The best of the city feels harsh yet beautiful

Rustic doors, metal work

Laughter with friends & family

Sweating from the heat

Wet from the rain

We are guests that don’t really belong

But honor our incredible surroundings

Beaming in simply being together

Catching glimpses of all the beauty & nuances that make up this incredible city of Havana, Cuba (7/12/18)

photos: H. McCreary

Havana in the Rain

Torrential down pour

Tourists hide in alcove

A run down hotel

Mid-renovation, can’t go in

Steamy hot at 9 o’clock am

Now cold wind

Whipping rain pellets

On tender skin

Local children without running water

Sprint to the plaza

Jumping into the fountain

Belly flops

Cannon balls

Tourists on their feet whooping

In merriment- this is living

Standing ovation

For a brave little boy

Displaying amazing freedom

He grins at the accolades

Crazy Americans

His smile blinding

He races across the plaza

Every mother holds their breath

Worrying as if he were their own

His courage and uninhibited flop

Inspiring

If only we could be that fearless

A grandmother grabs her granddaughter

They dance and splash in the rain

Lightening cracking around them

Their laughter ringing in every ear

Watching, shivering, grinning

Oh to be spontaneous

How often are we really that uninhibited?

That free?

Joy comes in the little things

Like a little boy jumping in a fountain

Cannonball

A grandmother stomping in puddles with her granddaughter

A torrential down pour

Beautiful Havana in the rain

Pure joy

Soak it in

Repeat

(Havana, Cuba- 7/12/18)

Unconditionally

You have something to say

But throat constricts

In fear

Can you be raw

Even in the hurt

I’ll take you

Wounded

Even with poor examples

Giving forgiveness

Sitting at your feet

Sweating

Just wanting you to know

I love you anyway

Regardless of your mistakes

Simply because I choose you

Unconditionally

Resilience

Light fractures into the bedroom

Sleepy eyes watching from bed

The prisms of light kiss the walls

And rebound around the room

Close my eyes

Not ready to get up

Sadness vibrating

Mourning what feels like

Everything

I dose again- not the normal

Three hours later

I open my eyes

Only to see light dancing

Across the bedroom wall

The floor shimmers

Where did my resilience go?

I was born tough

But not today

I close my eyes again

Sinking deep under the covers

Images and faces haunt me

I fall back to sleep

Crying

1 p.m. I wake again, swollen-eyes

Mourning

Light still resilient, patiently

Fracturing the walls and floor

I raise my hand and trace the light with my fingertips

The shimmering patterns of the sunshine is

Beautiful

I am beautiful

My heart, my mind, my body

Is beautiful

Deep sigh, inhale a long breath in

I force myself out of bed

The dogs are waiting for me at the bedroom door

I step

Trying to shake off the heaviness of

Life decisions

Hard decisions

My resilience feels

Shakey

I put on boxing gloves

And begin to pound the heavy bag

I am strong

I am tough

I am remarkable

The sunshine continues to fracture around me

Circling me in its beautiful, dancing light

It is resilient

So am I

Jasper’s Looking Glass

Jasper grab your petticoat

Lift it high about your head

Can you feel the blowing cotton tickle your belly button?

Did you hear the thunder Jasper?

Can you feel the wind?

Don’t you think we really ought to go in?

Mommy is calling Jasper

Gather your things

Oh your dress is so lovely

Do you think Mommy will mind the mud?

Bright eyes, a gently scolding from a beautiful person

How clear her eyes sparkle in the dark

Roll over Jasper,

Don’t hug your knees

You’re ok as long as you’re with me

Life plays its tricks

Time goes by

How the laughter went unnoticed

Is it really true that time heals all wounds?

I don’t feel release of this fire

See the embers Jasper?

Watch them glow

Didn’t you know?

That they would burn and blister?

But they say time heals all wounds

Can you truly forget?

By and by I long,

I yearn

When will the strings of sadness stop to pull

And smiles begin to start?

They don’t

How come?

Do I have to love in sadness?

You will always love

I won’t…

You do now

I know

White petticoat, bare feet

My how you’ve grown since I last saw you

You remember me?

A twitch a glow, something forgotten

I would rather stop and slow then know

That my love was never enough

At least from me to you and around again

How much did you love me?

You knew

I didn’t

You said, you made your choice

I am sorry

It stings

I know

You couldn’t possibly remember

I wish I could

But never cared

Never needed to

How lonely for you

Jasper? Are you asleep?

Wake up my dear and drink your tea

Wait- someone is calling me…

Don’t go!

You are dreaming!

I always will

Listen to reality

I feel it, I don’t need to listen

Hold on

I am

Tell him

I have

Love him

I do

Always?

Yes

Good-night Jasper

Good-bye

My how you’ve grown

Never enough

Never is not good enough

What a fool

Only to you

Sweet dreams

I’ll always…

Always?

Always

Good-bye then

Farewell

Jasper lifts up her hands as her petticoat floats above her head.

A hint of a smile shows on her lips

Knowing that one day

She’ll be ok