War – strengthdefined

Brokenness

Your love story

Enchanting

It gave people hope

It gave them joy

When the police appeared

Shock vibrated

You folded into arms

Weeping on shoulders

We cried with you

It triggered sadness

For a love story

That wasn’t

A reminder of realness

Of human behavior gone wrong

Choices made derailing

Everything

Cried for the brokenness

Of you

Of hope

Of missing love

Things will never be the same

You must keep going

Lift your head

Don’t look back

Don’t go back

In the brokenness

You will find your strength

And yourself

Your love story

Is still waiting

When you heal

And the brokenness molds you

Into something stronger

And even more precious

The best is yet to come

Don’t settle

Ever again

For now… mend

The Courage to Be Still

The courage to be still

That’s a hard one

I’ve lived the last six years

Ensuring I’m not still

Being still forces the

shhhhh…

Reflection

Pondering

Dealing with emotion

Work through mourning

Tackling anger

It’s so much easier

To NOT be still

Being still clears your head

Makes you cry

Forces you to work through

Your stuff… the junk

It’s not fun

It takes courage to be still

To heal

To change

To grow

To be a better human

But you have to find

Your courage

You have to want it

And sit in it

Your junk

All those pieces & parts

To change and heal

Even when afraid

Of the pain

It takes courage to

Be still

Please be still…

Blue

Blue The Color of…

The sky

Glaciers

Sea glass

Peacocks

Blue bells

Lanterns

Ocean

Nail polish

Walls

Blue the color of emotions…

Melancholy

Sadness

Tears

Turbulent

Transcending through multiple shades

And layers

Of blue

Laughing

Crying

Wandering thoughts

Route back to you

Letting go is blue

Healing wrapped in a warm fuzzy blue blanket

Blue crayons draw blue hearts

Mourning you, Mourning me

Dark eyes look in the mirror, wanting only peace

Peace is vibrant robin egg blue

I’ll find you there

Happy

Melting into blue lapis

Sun shining in the crisp

Blue sky

PERFECT EVERYTHING

She stands poised in her best clothes

Trophy wife with a smile on her face

Social media portrays a woman with it all together

Beautiful self, perfect everything

Hair, nails, makeup

Beautiful children who are perfect

Perfect everything

Beautiful husband, rich- prestigious career

Beautiful home, perfect & grand

Beautiful vacations around the world

Behind the lenses of social media

You’ll find tired eyes

Pace marks leave tracks in the perfect white bedroom carpet

She wonders where her husband is

Really in meetings?

Really so busy?

Does it matter that he cheats?

She can’t give up this life

She can’t afford the lifestyle for herself

She can take half of everything

But even that isn’t enough

She works out like crazy to clear her head and pound the anger away

In the process she doesn’t eat which leads to bitter battles

He wants his women big

He craves women big

The bigger, the better

His obsession

Soon to be 50 and he’ll never change

His thirst for big beauty will never stop

He can’t contain it

He hides it, but can’t live without it

All done in secrets and lies

Secret apartment

Secret life

Secret underworld on boys trips

Doesn’t matter the age

Perfect wife will never know

The pace marks in the white carpet tell a different story

So do the phone calls to unknown numbers as she screams at big beauties to stay away from her husband

They’re working on their perfect marriage

Fixing things, aren’t they?

Isn’t that what his words say?

He wants her to believe

She is loved

Cared for

Adored

Oh! But what about them?

Their children watching, knowing, feeling

Perfect Mommy with anxiety will never measure up

The legacy cycle will continue

Generation-to-generation

Must be great

Must be perfect

Must not fail

A price to pay

Hidden pleasures locked away with lives broken

In the wake of his obsession that will never be satisfied

Big beauties are not perfect for the rich

They do not portray the right perfection

The right health & wellness

What a mess

What a lie

It has to be exhausting for everyone

Hearts are broken

Lots of them

No one wants to “feel” loved

They want to be truly loved

Thin beauties, big beauties

Loved just as they are

Without conditions

Pace marks continue to track in the perfect bedroom carpet

Perfect tired eyes of the trophy wife wondering

Where is her perfect husband now?

And big beauties wait for & cry over a man who will never be theirs

Always sold empty words

Meaningless daily morning texts

Bait & hook

Unfulfilled

Words without action

Never to be loved, only used

“Feel” loved?

Narcissistic husband living in a house

Of perfect cards

She stands poised in her best clothes

Trophy wife with a smile on her face

Perfect everything

Or is it?

Photo: purchased “icanstock”

Resilience

Light fractures into the bedroom

Sleepy eyes watching from bed

The prisms of light kiss the walls

And rebound around the room

Close my eyes

Not ready to get up

Sadness vibrating

Mourning what feels like

Everything

I dose again- not the normal

Three hours later

I open my eyes

Only to see light dancing

Across the bedroom wall

The floor shimmers

Where did my resilience go?

I was born tough

But not today

I close my eyes again

Sinking deep under the covers

Images and faces haunt me

I fall back to sleep

Crying

1 p.m. I wake again, swollen-eyes

Mourning

Light still resilient, patiently

Fracturing the walls and floor

I raise my hand and trace the light with my fingertips

The shimmering patterns of the sunshine is

Beautiful

I am beautiful

My heart, my mind, my body

Is beautiful

Deep sigh, inhale a long breath in

I force myself out of bed

The dogs are waiting for me at the bedroom door

I step

Trying to shake off the heaviness of

Life decisions

Hard decisions

My resilience feels

Shakey

I put on boxing gloves

And begin to pound the heavy bag

I am strong

I am tough

I am remarkable

The sunshine continues to fracture around me

Circling me in its beautiful, dancing light

It is resilient

So am I

For What It’s Worth…

For what it’s worth:

It’s never too late or,

in my case, too early to be

whoever you want to be.

There’s no limit,

stop whenever you want.

You can change or stay the same,

There are no rules

To this thing. We can make

the best or the worst of it.

I hope you make the best of it.

And I hope you

see things that startle you.

I hope you feel things

You never felt before.

I hope you meet people with

A different point of view.

I hope you live a life

You’re proud of. If you

find that you’re not, I hope

you have the courage

To start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Stay

Please let me stay

I don’t want to go

Over there

Finger pointing

To the dark window

On the second floor

Orange blanket

Blows outside the

Window

Please don’t leave me

Small hand gripping

In panic

Belly growls

Hungry

Curled up on the

Washer machine

Covered in a military blanket

Shhhhhhh

Don’t tell them

I’m here, ok?

Please feed me

I need love

I can’t say if I’ve ever

Known true love

Unconditionally

Please let me stay

Just for a minute

Where it’s safe

And I feel loved

Not alone

Ten years old

I shouldn’t

Feel so all alone

Please let me shower

And borrow

Your clothes

I don’t know how to wash

Can you help me?

Do you see me?

I’m ten years old

And I’ve never known

Safety

Never known

A warm bed &

Soft pillows

A full belly

Three hot meals a day

Unknown to me

Please let me stay

I don’t want to go

Over there

Finger point to the dark window

On the second floor

Burns

It burns

This heartache

My lungs burn

I can’t breathe

I’m wanting to flee

But my breath

Is torn from me

It burns

The closer you get

To me

The harder I fall

She can’t support me

I can’t help myself

It burns

And blisters

This fear

Invades my nostrils

And everything

Stinks

Those eyes

So sad

Burn an image

In my brain

That won’t leave me

I can’t run

I don’t want to

But I must

This legacy burns

A panic in my heart

That can’t

Be shaken off me

That smile

Sad smile

Good-bye

Burns my heart

I want to stop

Spinning in circles

What is my new normal?

It burns

I can’t

Breathe

This road goes on

Forever

As I flee

This heartache burns

Gardenias & Peach Roses

Dying in the hospital bed

Soft skin, ice chips

Lips cracked and parched

Distended stomach

IVs gurgling in and out of veins

Tumors running rampant

Swallowing internal organs for snacks

A five year battle- ovarian cancer

Touching hands, kissing fingertips- Internalized prayer

“God, if you make her better,

I will take her place.”

Not better

Emotional pain for those waiting

Sorrow

Tears

Monitors blink

Family members fidget in chairs

Like little girls having to pee

Opting to hold it for as long

As they possibly can

Last snuggle in the hospital bed

Your last sweet breath tickling her ears

Death in her arms

Gardenias and peach roses

The funeral was beautiful

Such a beautiful day

Oh to touch your soft skin one more time

Sun so bright

Orange leaves speckle the mountainside

Hazy sadness lurking behind eyes

Tears rolling down cheeks

Feeling faint

Sobbing, grabbing at arms…any

A peach rose in hand

Puzzled faces as I drop peach roses and gardenias on a cherry wood casket

I’ll remember her

Every time I see a peach rose or smell gardenias on a sunny day,

I will think of her

Jeni McCreary

*Dedicated to my Grandma Joyce, my Mom & my Aunties. No child should have to hold their parent in their arms when they die, but maybe it is a blessing? My Mom is the little girl in the sweet dress.

Casualties of War

Father screams for his son

Lying limp in his arms

Needing help, desperate for it

As bombs explode overhead

Casualties of War

Chaos

Burned flesh

Their scent blowing in the air

Little boy with eyes missing

Can you hear him weeping?

For his children?

Both sides, all his

Casualties of War

Tears, wailing, all wanting quiet

A little peace

A little joy

A chance to be free

Faces silent, mourning

Still living

Eyes staring darkly into photo lenses

Hostility growing

Mothers wailing the loss of their children

Food delivered

Running for safety

Casualties of War

Sirens blaring

Civilians trying to get food

Suddenly are on the ground

Praying they are not next

Casualties of War

Death

Alone

Dying, both sides

Bloody babies cradled

In weeping mothers’ arms

Casualties of War

Can you hear him weeping?