Compelled

Compelled

To Red Rock Canyon

To climb and hike 

And be

To breathe

To feel the hot Vegas sunshine on my face & shoulders

I HAD to be there

Couldn’t not go

I had to share this beautiful place

With my friends

I stared up the mountain trail

Already half way up

I knew… I had to run the rest of the way up

My feet started to chop

Digging in to slippery gravel & rocks

My lungs burned

Not use to the altitude

Her voice in my head: you can do this honey, you can

I can do anything I set my mind too

Once at the top I wanted to pass out

Near asthma attack

But I did it

Climbing mountains in life is tough

But we will make it

The way down will be so much sweeter

Joy is coming, it will come back

My brother… dumbfounded

What compelled you to Red Rock Canyon?

Me: I couldn’t NOT be there, I felt driven to be

Brother: you do know I scattered Mom’s ashes all through that canyon?

Tilt!

Tears… I was beckoned there…

Love, grit and peace 

Compelled 

Red Rock Canyon, 9/29/18

UNSTUCK

Swirling clouds 

Muddy the brain

Too many thoughts

Stuck

Inability to decide

The path

Everything feels broken

Twisted 

Swirling

Hot

Everything is hot

Sweat runs down back

Sweaty pits

Tears

This is hard 

This phase 

Phase in

Phase out

Longing

Seeking

Discovery 

Pounding workouts 

Clears the brain

Releases tension

Overtly sensitive

Yet strength pops up unexpectedly 

Now what?

Breathe

Stop for a second

To reflect

Just how far you’ve come

This too shall pass

More is coming

It’s just a thing

One more thing

That’s what you do

You do

And do

You grind

Until your hands and mind bleed

From exhaustion

From fear

And yet

You sense more

Something bigger

Something unexplainable 

Something unexpected 

Something good 

Something startling

Be startled  

Destiny calling

Can you hear it

Can you feel the wind kiss your chin?

Hair flying 

Chaos 

Hope

More

Dreams waiting

What will you do when they come for you?

Swirling clouds 

Muddy the brain

Too many thoughts

But 

You

Will

Get

Unstuck

When you’re ready

And prayed up

photo: google/cabinfevermommy@blogspot.com

Don’t Waste Any More Time

It was a Monday

Laid up at home

Left kidney screaming

Flopping around like a fish

Anxious, turned on Oprah

Topic of ‘dying’ with

Dr. Pausch’s last lecture

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

Pondering

Thinking

Crying

What would you do different

If you knew you were going to die in 3-6 months?

What would you change and why?

Why wait?

Don’t wait

Don’t waste any more time

Your life is calling

Are you listening?

Listen

You are

You do

You can

You will

Don’t waste any more time

For What It’s Worth…

For what it’s worth:

It’s never too late or,

in my case, too early to be

whoever you want to be.

There’s no limit,

stop whenever you want.

You can change or stay the same,

There are no rules

To this thing. We can make

the best or the worst of it.

I hope you make the best of it.

And I hope you

see things that startle you.

I hope you feel things

You never felt before.

I hope you meet people with

A different point of view.

I hope you live a life

You’re proud of. If you

find that you’re not, I hope

you have the courage

To start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

 

 

 

 

Distracted

Busy lives keep us 

Distracted

Never having to deal

With it, or them, or life

We grind so hard and so long

That it’s easy 

To flop into bed

Exhausted

Causing our own exhaustion

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning

Organize, organize, organize

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 

Can’t stop

Must keep moving

Must keep going

Otherwise we’ll have to deal 

With the missing 

Missing friends

Missing family

Missing memories

Missing time

Missing dreams

Eaten up with 

Must stay busy

Must be busy

Stay “fine”, “I’m good”

The quiet overwhelms

The brain that just wants

Reprieve

From all the planning

All the busy

All the tired

But isn’t it sad

Incredibly sad 

That in all the busy

We’re missing 

Our children’s giggles

Dogs at our feet wanting attention

The hawk perched in the tree

Staring & hoping that you’ll

Catch a higher vision

For yourself

For your family

For your friends

Is it worth it?

Your inability to slow down?

And enjoy 

Who you are

What you are

Whose you are

Right now?

You can’t out run it

Your pain

But one day

When you’re ready

You will heal

And the busy 

Will melt

Into a life that is 

More

More centered 

More balanced 

More peaceful

In the meantime busy lives keep us 

Distracted

Never having to deal

With it, or them, or life

Craving Everything

I’ll keep stepping

Because that is what I do

Disappointment vibrates

Through me

Lack of authenticity

Sorely lacking

Thoughts in head 

Disappear 

Like a vapor

Dust

It was never real

It was never going to be enough

The mantra repeats- 

Enough is never good enough

Toe-to-toe I fold

Like the Edvard Munich painting

Screaming 

Bummed at the loss

Of nothing

But 

Craving everything

Now There Are Five

Now There Are Five

One departed on a Sunday

Scott on a Monday

He always did have Monday-itis

“Peace out suckers” I can hear him say…

Football season filled with Sunday games

Sweats and slippers, fire glowing in the fireplace

Scott made Sunday football huge

He had some pipes and rage!

His blue eyes always twinkling

Stubborn as a mule

He cared for me, my tough brother

Captain Crunch cereal in the middle of the night

In Jericho when his blood sugar dipped too low

We ate dry cereal in fistfuls

Four wheeling, whoop-de-doos, high signs and alcohol

Big brother time was always an adventure

Chevy truck over 25 years old…Scott was consistent

He’d snicker at hidden secrets and jokes

Always made silly, crazy faces

Loved the term, “Oh my hell”…

Horrible dancer, but so much fun to watch

His grilled steaks and chicken were the best

Always a bottle of Jack in one hand

Hardest worker I’ve ever known

Super blunt, a little too raw for most

He loved his boys

He’d do anything for you

Didn’t matter how much time passed…

He was always there and we never skipped a beat

He fought his type I Diabetes like a champion his entire life

But in the end…at age 52.. it fought back and won.

I had seven brothers… now there are five.