Time

Repentance to others takes time

Often it’s never enough

Wounds are too deep

For others to accept

Salt water may cleanse the wound 

But healing takes patience & time

Time we don’t have

Imagination is worse than reality

Yet reality can’t be heard

Or processed

Leaving wounds open

Picking at wounds never help 

Picking at scabs when close to healing 

Opens everything again

Prayers go up

And up

And up

And up

Where is the faith? 

Lost it along the way? 

No repentance will offer resolution 

Or acceptance

Or forgiveness

Maybe forgiveness comes 

In just letting go

Of the wounds?

Of each other? 

Of the past?

Of the hurt?

Acceptance that things will never be the same again 

Regardless of forgiveness 

The decision that it is done 

Done done

When do the wounds heal?

What makes repentance meaningful?

When does healing come?

Mentally?

Emotionally? 

Physically?

Let go and let God?

Easier said than done 

Wounds ooze as they heal 

The process takes time

Time is something we don’t have 

Or do we?

You

Will

When

You’re

Ready

Time

Unmovable

Set your mind to it

Whatever your IT is

Make a plan

Get to stepping

Life will derail you

Stay unmovable

Know where your strength comes from

Be honest with yourself

Vocalize your dreams, your goals, your plans

Heal 

Inside & out

Topple over- get back up

You are unmovable

You can do this

You are more than you give yourself credit for

Get help

Find courage

Be Brave

You’ve got this

No fear

See joy around you, but grab some for yourself

It’s ok to cry… let it out and let it go

You are unmovable 

And awesome

You can

You will

You are

There is a hope and a plan for your future

And it is good

Rock solid

Unmovable 

PERFECT EVERYTHING

She stands poised in her best clothes

Trophy wife with a smile on her face 

Social media portrays a woman with it all together 

Beautiful self, perfect everything

Hair, nails, makeup

Beautiful children who are perfect

Perfect everything

Beautiful husband, rich- prestigious career 

Beautiful home, perfect & grand

Beautiful vacations around the world

Behind the lenses of social media 

You’ll find tired eyes

Pace marks leave tracks in the perfect white bedroom carpet

She wonders where her husband is

Really in meetings?

Really so busy?

Does it matter that he cheats? 

She can’t give up this life

She can’t afford the lifestyle for herself 

She can take half of everything 

But even that isn’t enough

She works out like crazy to clear her head and pound the anger away

In the process she doesn’t eat which leads to bitter battles

He wants his women big

He craves women big 

The bigger, the better

His obsession

Soon to be 50 and he’ll never change

His thirst for big beauty will never stop

He can’t contain it

He hides it, but can’t live without it

All done in secrets and lies

Secret apartment

Secret life

Secret underworld on boys trips

Doesn’t matter the age

Perfect wife will never know

The pace marks in the white carpet tell a different story

So do the phone calls to unknown numbers as she screams at big beauties to stay away from her husband

They’re working on their perfect marriage 

Fixing things, aren’t they?

Isn’t that what his words say?

He wants her to believe 

She is loved

Cared for

Adored

Oh! But what about them?

Their children watching, knowing, feeling

Perfect Mommy with anxiety will never measure up

The legacy cycle will continue 

Generation-to-generation

Must be great

Must be perfect

Must not fail

A price to pay

Hidden pleasures locked away with lives broken

In the wake of his obsession that will never be satisfied 

Big beauties are not perfect for the rich

They do not portray the right perfection

The right health & wellness

What a mess

What a lie

It has to be exhausting for everyone

Hearts are broken

Lots of them

No one wants to “feel” loved

They want to be truly loved 

Thin beauties, big beauties

Loved just as they are

Without conditions 

Pace marks continue to track in the perfect bedroom carpet

Perfect tired eyes of the trophy wife wondering

Where is her perfect husband now?

And big beauties wait for & cry over a man who will never be theirs

Always sold empty words

Meaningless daily morning texts

Bait & hook

Unfulfilled

Words without action

Never to be loved, only used

“Feel” loved?

Narcissistic husband living in a house

Of perfect cards

She stands poised in her best clothes

Trophy wife with a smile on her face

Perfect everything

Or is it? 

Photo: purchased “icanstock”

Unconditionally

You have something to say

But throat constricts

In fear

Can you be raw

Even in the hurt

I’ll take you

Wounded

Even with poor examples

Giving forgiveness

Sitting at your feet

Sweating

Just wanting you to know

I love you anyway 

Regardless of your mistakes

Simply because I choose you

Unconditionally

Resilience

Light fractures into the bedroom

Sleepy eyes watching from bed

The prisms of light kiss the walls

And rebound around the room

Close my eyes

Not ready to get up

Sadness vibrating

Mourning what feels like

Everything

I dose again- not the normal

Three hours later

I open my eyes

Only to see light dancing

Across the bedroom wall

The floor shimmers

Where did my resilience go?

I was born tough

But not today

I close my eyes again

Sinking deep under the covers

Images and faces haunt me

I fall back to sleep

Crying

1 p.m. I wake again, swollen-eyes

Mourning

Light still resilient, patiently

Fracturing the walls and floor

I raise my hand and trace the light with my fingertips

The shimmering patterns of the sunshine is

Beautiful

I am beautiful

My heart, my mind, my body

Is beautiful

Deep sigh, inhale a long breath in

I force myself out of bed

The dogs are waiting for me at the bedroom door

I step

Trying to shake off the heaviness of

Life decisions

Hard decisions

My resilience feels

Shakey

I put on boxing gloves

And begin to pound the heavy bag

I am strong

I am tough

I am remarkable

The sunshine continues to fracture around me

Circling me in its beautiful, dancing light

It is resilient

So am I

Don’t Waste Any More Time

It was a Monday

Laid up at home

Left kidney screaming

Flopping around like a fish

Anxious, turned on Oprah

Topic of ‘dying’ with

Dr. Pausch’s last lecture

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

Pondering

Thinking

Crying

What would you do different

If you knew you were going to die in 3-6 months?

What would you change and why?

Why wait?

Don’t wait

Don’t waste any more time

Your life is calling

Are you listening?

Listen

You are

You do

You can

You will

Don’t waste any more time

Jerry Miller

A little bit brash

A whole lot of funny

Best damn mango martini’s you’ll ever have

The love of his ladies

All over his face when he stood watching each of you

Each of you fly and grow and become the beautiful women

That you are today

He’s proud and honored

To call you wife, daughter, granddaughter, friend, family…

A mentor

A champion

A fighter

Hilarious

His eyes twinkled mischievously and

That laugh

My God what a laugh with head tipped back

Or slapping a knee

He believed anything was possible

With hard work

Focus

And a little pain…

You carry on

You must

Stay bold

As he was

He wouldn’t want it

Any other way

Jeni McCreary

*Jerry Miller 1/6/2017 RIP