I jumped for the beauty
For the “Holy crap he’s beautiful”
This beautiful creature chose me!
The humility
The amazing conversations
Our easy banter, the wicked wit
The caring
But…all the beauty…everywhere
Those kisses, those moments
Worth it?
I am hurting
Images in my brain I can’t erase
How do I erase them?
How do I erase you?
Knowing I was never really a choice
Not even second or third, or fourth
Realization melts over my skin like sticky caramel
And whispers goodbye
#Findyours
The light shimmered and danced
Along the ocean waves
Sand pipers ran to catch periwinkle
A glimmer catches
Attention
A beautiful shell
Cracked & broken
And another
And another
And another
A reminder that
Right now
This moment
It’s ok to feel
What you need to feel
Be what you need to be
To realize that even
In your imperfections
You’re still perfect
Right now
As you are, today
So give yourself
A little credit
A little praise
You’re not the person
You were yesterday
Tomorrow
You won’t be the person
You are today
Embrace your now
Love, cry, feel, be, enjoy
Find your happy
In quiet
In the waves
Stirring up beautiful
Broken seashells
That will remain
Imperfectly perfect
Just like you
Your love story
Enchanting
It gave people hope
It gave them joy
When the police appeared
Shock vibrated
You folded into arms
Weeping on shoulders
We cried with you
It triggered sadness
For a love story
That wasn’t
A reminder of realness
Of human behavior gone wrong
Choices made derailing
Everything
Cried for the brokenness
Of you
Of hope
Of missing love
Things will never be the same
You must keep going
Lift your head
Don’t look back
Don’t go back
In the brokenness
You will find your strength
And yourself
Your love story
Is still waiting
When you heal
And the brokenness molds you
Into something stronger
And even more precious
The best is yet to come
Don’t settle
Ever again
For now… mend
The courage to be still
That’s a hard one
I’ve lived the last six years
Ensuring I’m not still
Being still forces the
shhhhh…
Reflection
Pondering
Dealing with emotion
Work through mourning
Tackling anger
It’s so much easier
To NOT be still
Being still clears your head
Makes you cry
Forces you to work through
Your stuff… the junk
It’s not fun
It takes courage to be still
To heal
To change
To grow
To be a better human
But you have to find
Your courage
You have to want it
And sit in it
Your junk
All those pieces & parts
To change and heal
Even when afraid
Of the pain
It takes courage to
Be still
Please be still…
Compelled
To Red Rock Canyon
To climb and hike
And be
To breathe
To feel the hot Vegas sunshine on my face & shoulders
I HAD to be there
Couldn’t not go
I had to share this beautiful place
With my friends
I stared up the mountain trail
Already half way up
I knew… I had to run the rest of the way up
My feet started to chop
Digging in to slippery gravel & rocks
My lungs burned
Not use to the altitude
Her voice in my head: you can do this honey, you can
I can do anything I set my mind too
Once at the top I wanted to pass out
Near asthma attack
But I did it
Climbing mountains in life is tough
But we will make it
The way down will be so much sweeter
Joy is coming, it will come back
My brother… dumbfounded
What compelled you to Red Rock Canyon?
Me: I couldn’t NOT be there, I felt driven to be
Brother: you do know I scattered Mom’s ashes all through that canyon?
Tilt!
Tears… I was beckoned there…
Love, grit and peace
Compelled
Red Rock Canyon, 9/29/18
Grief like a roller coaster
Up
Down
High
Low
Up has been longer
Until recently
Seeing your blue eyes everywhere
Your silly sneezes
Your outlandish sunglasses
Orange skies painted just for me
Reached for the phone
Wishing we could chat
Talked out loud to you several times
Need some solid Mama advice
Louie Armstrong randomly played,
“La Vie En Rose”
Closing my eyes and oh the memories…
Your awful singing
Our awkward dancing
Falling into each other’s arms laughing
Need you now more than ever
Your paintings everywhere
They make me happy
Headed to Vegas & I wonder
Will I find you there?
Vegas your home for over 22 years
The memories
The missing
The joy
Of you… everywhere
Grief like a roller coaster
Up
Down
High
Low
image: Google image
Repentance to others takes time
Often it’s never enough
Wounds are too deep
For others to accept
Salt water may cleanse the wound
But healing takes patience & time
Time we don’t have
Imagination is worse than reality
Yet reality can’t be heard
Or processed
Leaving wounds open
Picking at wounds never help
Picking at scabs when close to healing
Opens everything again
Prayers go up
And up
And up
And up
Where is the faith?
Lost it along the way?
No repentance will offer resolution
Or acceptance
Or forgiveness
Maybe forgiveness comes
In just letting go
Of the wounds?
Of each other?
Of the past?
Of the hurt?
Acceptance that things will never be the same again
Regardless of forgiveness
The decision that it is done
Done done
When do the wounds heal?
What makes repentance meaningful?
When does healing come?
Mentally?
Emotionally?
Physically?
Let go and let God?
Easier said than done
Wounds ooze as they heal
The process takes time
Time is something we don’t have
Or do we?
You
Will
When
You’re
Ready
Time
Set your mind to it
Whatever your IT is
Make a plan
Get to stepping
Life will derail you
Stay unmovable
Know where your strength comes from
Be honest with yourself
Vocalize your dreams, your goals, your plans
Heal
Inside & out
Topple over- get back up
You are unmovable
You can do this
You are more than you give yourself credit for
Get help
Find courage
Be Brave
You’ve got this
No fear
See joy around you, but grab some for yourself
It’s ok to cry… let it out and let it go
You are unmovable
And awesome
You can
You will
You are
There is a hope and a plan for your future
And it is good
Rock solid
Unmovable
She stands poised in her best clothes
Trophy wife with a smile on her face
Social media portrays a woman with it all together
Beautiful self, perfect everything
Hair, nails, makeup
Beautiful children who are perfect
Perfect everything
Beautiful husband, rich- prestigious career
Beautiful home, perfect & grand
Beautiful vacations around the world
Behind the lenses of social media
You’ll find tired eyes
Pace marks leave tracks in the perfect white bedroom carpet
She wonders where her husband is
Really in meetings?
Really so busy?
Does it matter that he cheats?
She can’t give up this life
She can’t afford the lifestyle for herself
She can take half of everything
But even that isn’t enough
She works out like crazy to clear her head and pound the anger away
In the process she doesn’t eat which leads to bitter battles
He wants his women big
He craves women big
The bigger, the better
His obsession
Soon to be 50 and he’ll never change
His thirst for big beauty will never stop
He can’t contain it
He hides it, but can’t live without it
All done in secrets and lies
Secret apartment
Secret life
Secret underworld on boys trips
Doesn’t matter the age
Perfect wife will never know
The pace marks in the white carpet tell a different story
So do the phone calls to unknown numbers as she screams at big beauties to stay away from her husband
They’re working on their perfect marriage
Fixing things, aren’t they?
Isn’t that what his words say?
He wants her to believe
She is loved
Cared for
Adored
Oh! But what about them?
Their children watching, knowing, feeling
Perfect Mommy with anxiety will never measure up
The legacy cycle will continue
Generation-to-generation
Must be great
Must be perfect
Must not fail
A price to pay
Hidden pleasures locked away with lives broken
In the wake of his obsession that will never be satisfied
Big beauties are not perfect for the rich
They do not portray the right perfection
The right health & wellness
What a mess
What a lie
It has to be exhausting for everyone
Hearts are broken
Lots of them
No one wants to “feel” loved
They want to be truly loved
Thin beauties, big beauties
Loved just as they are
Without conditions
Pace marks continue to track in the perfect bedroom carpet
Perfect tired eyes of the trophy wife wondering
Where is her perfect husband now?
And big beauties wait for & cry over a man who will never be theirs
Always sold empty words
Meaningless daily morning texts
Bait & hook
Unfulfilled
Words without action
Never to be loved, only used
“Feel” loved?
Narcissistic husband living in a house
Of perfect cards
She stands poised in her best clothes
Trophy wife with a smile on her face
Perfect everything
Or is it?
Photo: purchased “icanstock”
strengthdefined 