Brokenness

Your love story 

Enchanting

It gave people hope 

It gave them joy

When the police appeared

Shock vibrated 

You folded into arms 

Weeping on shoulders

We cried with you

It triggered sadness

For a love story

That wasn’t

A reminder of realness

Of human behavior gone wrong

Choices made derailing

Everything

Cried for the brokenness

Of you 

Of hope

Of missing love

Things will never be the same

You must keep going

Lift your head

Don’t look back

Don’t go back

In the brokenness

You will find your strength

And yourself

Your love story 

Is still waiting

When you heal

And the brokenness molds you

Into something stronger 

And even more precious 

The best is yet to come

Don’t settle

Ever again

For now… mend

Roller coaster

Grief like a roller coaster

Up

Down

High

Low

Up has been longer

Until recently

Seeing your blue eyes everywhere

Your silly sneezes

Your outlandish sunglasses

Orange skies painted just for me

Reached for the phone

Wishing we could chat

Talked out loud to you several times

Need some solid Mama advice

Louie Armstrong randomly played,

“La Vie En Rose”

Closing my eyes and oh the memories…

Your awful singing

Our awkward dancing

Falling into each other’s arms laughing

Need you now more than ever

Your paintings everywhere

They make me happy

Headed to Vegas & I wonder

Will I find you there?

Vegas your home for over 22 years

The memories

The missing

The joy

Of you… everywhere

Grief like a roller coaster

Up

Down

High

Low

 

image: Google image

 

Blue

Blue The Color of… 

The sky

Glaciers

Sea glass

Peacocks

Blue bells

Lanterns

Ocean

Nail polish

Walls

Blue the color of emotions…

Melancholy

Sadness

Tears

Turbulent

Transcending through multiple shades

And layers

Of blue

Laughing

Crying

Wandering thoughts

Route back to you 

Letting go is blue

Healing wrapped in a warm fuzzy blue blanket

Blue crayons draw blue hearts

Mourning you, Mourning me

Dark eyes look in the mirror, wanting only peace

Peace is vibrant robin egg blue 

I’ll find you there

Happy 

Melting into blue lapis

Sun shining in the crisp 

Blue sky 

 

Words to my year ago self

You are awesome

You are going to do great things

You are strong

You are able

You embraced challenges

Started your 1/2 sleeve

Watched your daughter learn and grow

Be there for her, but let her make those hard decisions

And own them

You were brave

Remember not to get wounded in the little things

Let things go more

Pick your battles better

Seek first to understand

Your listening has gotten better

Do more of that

Stop the echo in your head that says, “I can’t”

Your “can’t” kept you hostage for too long

Let “I can’t” be more of, “I CAN”

You put in the work

You found courage

Keep listening to your instincts, no doubting

Learn

Seek forgiveness from others & yourself

Stop rutting

Stop wallowing

Keep moving forward

Find peace

Pray more

Laugh more, daily on the regular

Tell your family & friends how much you love them

Continue to seek joy in the little things

Stop being so hard on yourself

Relect on how far you’ve come

Stay passionate

Rock steady

Keep learning

Set bigger goals

Believe in yourself

Get more sleep

Keep writing

Be open

Be honest

Be transparent

When tough days come- get back up

Cry

Own your pieces & parts

Reflect

Change what you can

Heal

Find peace

Stay in your now

 

 

ENOUGH

Withered, thin, gray, tired 

Looking into your brown eyes and see no sparkle there

Welly eyed, deep sigh, blink loudly

How do I convey the desire for a long life

And the will to live that I hope for you

Which you do not hope for yourself?

A walker, fragile, a piece of cut and broken glass- azure blue

Chilly breeze blows through

Jackets thread bare and tattered

Friends arrive and laughter flows with sparkles

Whispers and jokes

Cheers and jeers

Found myself speechless

Baggage

I thought I was beyond, I thought was gone

Baggage

“She will definitely keep you warm”

The truth, out loud, not proud

Visions of thin, tall, long hair, not so curly, not so short, not so…. 

Fat

Baggage

No eye contact

Hunkered over a walker

Slaps on backs as if it was really something funny

Funny how we live in the past

Old memories, old photos, old man

Before me laughing, a sparkle at last

“She will definitely keep you warm” 

Cowboy, icy blue eyes, cracked & tan face smiles

“I-like-a-lot-of-woman!”

Am I right here? 

Less than three feet away?

Why did I come? 

Why am I here?

“Mommy?” 

Oh! 

Dark brown eyes look up at me, an angelic smile… “Mommy!” 

Oh!

A tug at my shirt, a beautiful little face

Oh!

“Mommy can I go play in the rocks?” 

Rocks

Buried over secrets

Over lost dreams and hidden hopes

“Mommy?”

I have to go, I have to flee

I turn and someone stops me

“The old man looks good!”

A smile… “does he? Me? Oh yes, I’m fine…happy, yes. That’s my little girl; yes… she looks just like me.”

Flee towards the house, away

Inside my head the voices ring

“She will definitely keep you warm”, “I-like-a-lot-of-woman”

Why do I care?      

Does it matter that I don’t measure up today just because… I-am-fat? 

How do you measure success? 

The lives we lead, hearts we touch, simple pleasures known only to close friends?

She will definitely keep you warm

That’s true

Today is today, I can’t help the past

No new pictures

No introductions

No acknowledgement

No account of today

Old pictures, old frames

Deep breath, deep sigh, lazy sadness lurking 

How do you measure success?

Six figures? 

Thin frame? 

Perfect figure? 

Ah!!

A love of your life?

Yes! Love, laughter, light

Release

This is not my burden to bear

Or my embarrassment

Ebb and flow

Weight on, weight off

It will come

Today I choose to love myself

As I am

Curves & all

And for today

That is enough

Stay

Please let me stay

I don’t want to go

Over there

Finger pointing

To the dark window

On the second floor

Orange blanket

Blows outside the 

Window

Please don’t leave me

Small hand gripping

In panic

Belly growls

Hungry

Curled up on the 

Washer machine

Covered in a military blanket

Shhhhhhh

Don’t tell them 

I’m here, ok?

Please feed me

I need love

I can’t say if I’ve ever

Known true love

Unconditionally

Please let me stay

Just for a minute

Where it’s safe

And I feel loved

Not alone

Ten years old

I shouldn’t 

Feel so all alone

Please let me shower

And borrow 

Your clothes

I don’t know how to wash 

Can you help me?

Do you see me?

I’m ten years old

And I’ve never known

Safety 

Never known 

A warm bed &

Soft pillows 

A full belly

Three hot meals a day

Unknown to me

Please let me stay

I don’t want to go

Over there

Finger point to the dark window 

On the second floor 

Gardenias & Peach Roses

Dying in the hospital bed

Soft skin, ice chips

Lips cracked and parched

Distended stomach

IVs gurgling in and out of veins

Tumors running rampant

Swallowing internal organs for snacks

A five year battle- ovarian cancer

Touching hands, kissing fingertips- Internalized prayer

“God, if you make her better, 

I will take her place.”

Not better

Emotional pain for those waiting

Sorrow

Tears

Monitors blink

Family members fidget in chairs 

Like little girls having to pee

Opting to hold it for as long 

As they possibly can

Last snuggle in the hospital bed 

Your last sweet breath tickling her ears

Death in her arms

Gardenias and peach roses

The funeral was beautiful

Such a beautiful day

Oh to touch your soft skin one more time

Sun so bright

Orange leaves speckle the mountainside

Hazy sadness lurking behind eyes 

Tears rolling down cheeks

Feeling faint

Sobbing, grabbing at arms…any

A peach rose in hand

Puzzled faces as I drop peach roses and gardenias on a cherry wood casket

I’ll remember her

Every time I see a peach rose or smell gardenias on a sunny day,

I will think of her

Jeni McCreary

*Dedicated to my Grandma Joyce, my Mom & my Aunties. No child should have to hold their parent in their arms when they die, but maybe it is a blessing? My Mom is the little girl in the sweet dress.