Author: JJ Taylor

Benjamin Mee said
It only takes
20 seconds of insane courage
For something
Great
To happen
Insane courage
Roars
Loudly
In me
If Only
For 20 seconds
20 seconds
Of momentum
That leads
To a path
Which twists into
A journey
That creates
Change
Growth
Challenges
And
Opportunities
Insane courage
To fight fear
Fight failure
Workout alone
Fly
Pick up the pen
To write again
20 seconds of insane courage
To start a new job
Believe that ANYTHING
Is possible
20 seconds of
Insane courage
To dance
On a roof top
To sumo squat
On a tire
With a 30# weight
Or jog around
The entire strip
Mall
Fighting that inner voice
Saying you can’t
I can
And I did
20 seconds of insane courage
To believe her words
You
Will
When
You
Are
Ready
Courage
It only take 20
Seconds

You passed away on a Sunday.

I couldn’t cry because my focus was your granddaughter

Who sobbed in my arms, unable to comprehend that you were really gone

No more

“You little rascal”

“Barking Spiders”

“Hi honey”

“Bye honey”

No more silly faces and inappropriate jokes

I loved your beard as a little girl…would rub my hand over your chin

And giggle

I’ll never touch that chin again

I wasn’t there

In the end

I died inside, not being there…for you, for me

Regret

Emotions that seem useless, but brew, bake and grow within me

Rage

Tears

Lost

I sat for days in a daze

Curled in a ball, I heard your voice, “Hi honey” over and over again

What was comforting became torture

Was I the daughter that I should have been?

Could have been?

For the first time in years I looked at myself in the mirror

Really looked

Deep in my own eyes

I am accountable

I should have been more

Of a daughter

Your only daughter

I see myself now; in this mirror… really see myself

Inside, outside

I stayed away from you

Due to differences of opinion

Severe sadness

Who does that?

I did

I missed out…on you. My father I loved dearly

I’m sorry I didn’t try harder

I was wrong

Both of us so stubborn

Let’s move on, but we can’t now can we?

You died

You’re gone

In the mirror I look

I really look

I can change

Inside

Outside

I forgive

I forgive you

I forgive myself

I let go

Of these emotions

That I have allowed to batter and beat me

For months

For years

I give these emotions away…

I tried to handle it on my own

And I can’t anymore…

This is yours to handle

No longer mine

I will miss you Dad

I will grieve

I will remember…

Our laughter

Our pranks

Old English spin that I never got quite right

Your sparkling eyes

Mischievous grin

Your joy when you saw your granddaughter born

When you held her, you held your breath

Our two Hal’s, two peas in a pod

Same dark eyes, same toes

Black licorice ice cream

Pistachios

Dugway

Hikes

Redwood trees

Margaritas and chips

Cheese and crackers

Shrimp

Gathering with friends

Joy

The fearless way you walked

The fearless way you talked

Your quiet observations

Havalina hunting

Love

You passed away on a Sunday…

I will never be the same again.

Crashing waves
Sunrise
Sunlight splinters and winks
A warm hello
Puffy foam floats on shore
Kids scream in the ocean
Bliss
Sand pipers scamper
Fisherman making use
Of the first day light
How small we are
In comparison to this
Roaring ocean
Salt air enveloping a warm hug
Seashells wink and hideaway
The horizon is hazy
But soon
The sun will brighten the day
And light the way
Beckoning your future
But don’t forget to love
Your now
Not just your one-day when
The ocean roars on

Jeni McCreary