You Died On A Sunday

You passed away on a Sunday.

I couldn’t cry because my focus was your granddaughter

Who sobbed in my arms, unable to comprehend that you were really gone

No more “You little rascal”, “Barking Spiders”, “Hi honey”, “Bye honey”…

No more silly faces and inappropriate jokes

I loved your beard as a little girl…would rub my hand over your chin

And giggle

I’ll never touch that chin again

I wasn’t there

You didn’t want me there

In the end

I died inside, not being there…for you, for me

Regret

Hurt

Anger

Emotions that seem useless, but brew, bake and grow within me

Rage

Tears

Lost

I sat for days in a daze

Curled in a ball, I heard your voice, “Hi honey” over and over again

What was comforting became torture

Torture that I receded from you

Years ago

Was I the daughter that I should have been?

Could have been?

For the first time in years I looked at myself in the mirror

Really looked

Deep in my own eyes

I am accountable

It was my own fault

I could have tried harder

I should have been more

Of a daughter

For you…your only daughter

But I wasn’t

I see myself now; in this mirror… really see myself

Inside, outside

I stayed away from you

Due to differences of opinion

Severe sadness

Who does that?

I did

I missed out…on you. My father I loved dearly

I’m sorry I didn’t try harder

I was so mad at you

That I wasn’t accepted

Rebellion of you

I was wrong

You were wrong

Let’s move on, but we can’t now can we?

You died

You’re gone

In the mirror I look

I really look

I can change

Inside

Outside

I forgive

I forgive you

I forgive myself

I let go

Of these emotions

That I have allowed to batter and beat me

For months

For years

I give these emotions away…

I tried to handle it on my own

And I can’t anymore…

This is yours to handle

No longer mine

I will miss you Dad

I will grieve

I will remember…

Our laughter

Our pranks

Old English spin that I never got quite right

Your sparkling eyes

Mischievous grin

Your joy when you saw your granddaughter born

When you held her, you held your breath

Our two Hal’s, two peas in a pod

Same dark eyes, same toes

Black licorice ice cream

Pistachios

Dugway

Hikes

Redwood trees

Margaritas and chips

Cheese and crackers

Shrimp

Gathering with friends

Joy

The fearless way you walked

The fearless way you talked

Your quiet observations

Havalina hunting

Love

You passed away on a Sunday…

I will never be the same again.

 

Author: Jeni McCreary

Many have shared that I am the strongest woman they know. I would disagree... when life kicks you in the teeth there is only one place to look and that is UP. Life within the last six years has been difficult in having lost my father, mother, step-mom, two brothers, nephew & five beloved dogs. Grief can alter your trajectory a bit...so I write. This blog will be my random thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, defining my strength and my faith. I'm honest, raw and real. If you don't like that... that's ok...I'm writing more for me than you. Maybe someone will find this blog and my words will help you in some small way.

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