You Died On A Sunday

You passed away on a Sunday.

I couldn’t cry because my focus was your granddaughter

Who sobbed in my arms, unable to comprehend that you were really gone

No more

“You little rascal”

“Barking Spiders”

“Hi honey”

“Bye honey”

No more silly faces and inappropriate jokes

I loved your beard as a little girl…would rub my hand over your chin

And giggle

I’ll never touch that chin again

I wasn’t there

In the end

I died inside, not being there…for you, for me

Regret

Emotions that seem useless, but brew, bake and grow within me

Rage

Tears

Lost

I sat for days in a daze

Curled in a ball, I heard your voice, “Hi honey” over and over again

What was comforting became torture

Was I the daughter that I should have been?

Could have been?

For the first time in years I looked at myself in the mirror

Really looked

Deep in my own eyes

I am accountable

I should have been more

Of a daughter

Your only daughter

I see myself now; in this mirror… really see myself

Inside, outside

I stayed away from you

Due to differences of opinion

Severe sadness

Who does that?

I did

I missed out…on you. My father I loved dearly

I’m sorry I didn’t try harder

I was wrong

Both of us so stubborn

Let’s move on, but we can’t now can we?

You died

You’re gone

In the mirror I look

I really look

I can change

Inside

Outside

I forgive

I forgive you

I forgive myself

I let go

Of these emotions

That I have allowed to batter and beat me

For months

For years

I give these emotions away…

I tried to handle it on my own

And I can’t anymore…

This is yours to handle

No longer mine

I will miss you Dad

I will grieve

I will remember…

Our laughter

Our pranks

Old English spin that I never got quite right

Your sparkling eyes

Mischievous grin

Your joy when you saw your granddaughter born

When you held her, you held your breath

Our two Hal’s, two peas in a pod

Same dark eyes, same toes

Black licorice ice cream

Pistachios

Dugway

Hikes

Redwood trees

Margaritas and chips

Cheese and crackers

Shrimp

Gathering with friends

Joy

The fearless way you walked

The fearless way you talked

Your quiet observations

Havalina hunting

Love

You passed away on a Sunday…

I will never be the same again.