I jumped for the beauty
For the “Holy crap he’s beautiful”
This beautiful creature chose me!
The humility
The amazing conversations
Our easy banter, the wicked wit
The caring
But…all the beauty…everywhere
Those kisses, those moments
Worth it?
I am hurting
Images in my brain I can’t erase
How do I erase them?
How do I erase you?
Knowing I was never really a choice
Not even second or third, or fourth
Realization melts over my skin like sticky caramel
And whispers goodbye
Tornado sirens
Tornados
Beer & BBQ
Torrential down pour
Watching in awe
Uber’s
Awkward hotel neighbor
Stain glass windows
Cary Grant
Amazing suite
Laughter
Lots of it
Sleep- finally
Lazy loafing
In our underwear
Front row seats to Cardinal game
3rd base dugout
More beer
Face plant running up stairs
Tipsy
Beautiful faces
Too far down dark street
Drug deal 5ft from us
Vanilla Crown
Cookies
Homemade chips smothered in cheese
Room service
Budweiser tour
Clydesdales
Drag queens
Horrible country bar
Nasty Lyft driver
The blues
Best gumbo ever
Best sax player ever
Secrets whispered
Freedom
Janice
Laughter
Tears
Feeling family
Everywhere
One for the books
Missing you
Missing me
Distance can’t take
A sisterhood that withstands
Anything
Especially with us
In it together
Always
JJ McCreary
(St. Louis, Mo)
The light shimmered and danced
Along the ocean waves
Sand pipers ran to catch periwinkle
A glimmer catches
Attention
A beautiful shell
Cracked & broken
And another
And another
And another
A reminder that
Right now
This moment
It’s ok to feel
What you need to feel
Be what you need to be
To realize that even
In your imperfections
You’re still perfect
Right now
As you are, today
So give yourself
A little credit
A little praise
You’re not the person
You were yesterday
Tomorrow
You won’t be the person
You are today
Embrace your now
Love, cry, feel, be, enjoy
Find your happy
In quiet
In the waves
Stirring up beautiful
Broken seashells
That will remain
Imperfectly perfect
Just like you
Your love story
Enchanting
It gave people hope
It gave them joy
When the police appeared
Shock vibrated
You folded into arms
Weeping on shoulders
We cried with you
It triggered sadness
For a love story
That wasn’t
A reminder of realness
Of human behavior gone wrong
Choices made derailing
Everything
Cried for the brokenness
Of you
Of hope
Of missing love
Things will never be the same
You must keep going
Lift your head
Don’t look back
Don’t go back
In the brokenness
You will find your strength
And yourself
Your love story
Is still waiting
When you heal
And the brokenness molds you
Into something stronger
And even more precious
The best is yet to come
Don’t settle
Ever again
For now… mend
The courage to be still
That’s a hard one
I’ve lived the last six years
Ensuring I’m not still
Being still forces the
shhhhh…
Reflection
Pondering
Dealing with emotion
Work through mourning
Tackling anger
It’s so much easier
To NOT be still
Being still clears your head
Makes you cry
Forces you to work through
Your stuff… the junk
It’s not fun
It takes courage to be still
To heal
To change
To grow
To be a better human
But you have to find
Your courage
You have to want it
And sit in it
Your junk
All those pieces & parts
To change and heal
Even when afraid
Of the pain
It takes courage to
Be still
Please be still…
Compelled
To Red Rock Canyon
To climb and hike
And be
To breathe
To feel the hot Vegas sunshine on my face & shoulders
I HAD to be there
Couldn’t not go
I had to share this beautiful place
With my friends
I stared up the mountain trail
Already half way up
I knew… I had to run the rest of the way up
My feet started to chop
Digging in to slippery gravel & rocks
My lungs burned
Not use to the altitude
Her voice in my head: you can do this honey, you can
I can do anything I set my mind too
Once at the top I wanted to pass out
Near asthma attack
But I did it
Climbing mountains in life is tough
But we will make it
The way down will be so much sweeter
Joy is coming, it will come back
My brother… dumbfounded
What compelled you to Red Rock Canyon?
Me: I couldn’t NOT be there, I felt driven to be
Brother: you do know I scattered Mom’s ashes all through that canyon?
Tilt!
Tears… I was beckoned there…
Love, grit and peace
Compelled
Red Rock Canyon, 9/29/18
Grief like a roller coaster
Up
Down
High
Low
Up has been longer
Until recently
Seeing your blue eyes everywhere
Your silly sneezes
Your outlandish sunglasses
Orange skies painted just for me
Reached for the phone
Wishing we could chat
Talked out loud to you several times
Need some solid Mama advice
Louie Armstrong randomly played,
“La Vie En Rose”
Closing my eyes and oh the memories…
Your awful singing
Our awkward dancing
Falling into each other’s arms laughing
Need you now more than ever
Your paintings everywhere
They make me happy
Headed to Vegas & I wonder
Will I find you there?
Vegas your home for over 22 years
The memories
The missing
The joy
Of you… everywhere
Grief like a roller coaster
Up
Down
High
Low
image: Google image
Blue The Color of…
The sky
Glaciers
Sea glass
Peacocks
Blue bells
Lanterns
Ocean
Nail polish
Walls
Blue the color of emotions…
Melancholy
Sadness
Tears
Turbulent
Transcending through multiple shades
And layers
Of blue
Laughing
Crying
Wandering thoughts
Route back to you
Letting go is blue
Healing wrapped in a warm fuzzy blue blanket
Blue crayons draw blue hearts
Mourning you, Mourning me
Dark eyes look in the mirror, wanting only peace
Peace is vibrant robin egg blue
I’ll find you there
Happy
Melting into blue lapis
Sun shining in the crisp
Blue sky
You are awesome
You are going to do great things
You are strong
You are able
You embraced challenges
Started your 1/2 sleeve
Watched your daughter learn and grow
Be there for her, but let her make those hard decisions
And own them
You were brave
Remember not to get wounded in the little things
Let things go more
Pick your battles better
Seek first to understand
Your listening has gotten better
Do more of that
Stop the echo in your head that says, “I can’t”
Your “can’t” kept you hostage for too long
Let “I can’t” be more of, “I CAN”
You put in the work
You found courage
Keep listening to your instincts, no doubting
Learn
Seek forgiveness from others & yourself
Stop rutting
Stop wallowing
Keep moving forward
Find peace
Pray more
Laugh more, daily on the regular
Tell your family & friends how much you love them
Continue to seek joy in the little things
Stop being so hard on yourself
Relect on how far you’ve come
Stay passionate
Rock steady
Keep learning
Set bigger goals
Believe in yourself
Get more sleep
Keep writing
Be open
Be honest
Be transparent
When tough days come- get back up
Cry
Own your pieces & parts
Reflect
Change what you can
Heal
Find peace
Stay in your now
strengthdefined 