stop – Page 2 – strengthdefined

A Lady Bug Kind of Day

Oh Mommy- is that my lady bug?

Can you get her for me?

Giddy daughter, five years old

Hopping from one foot to the other

I watered the hanging plants in the back yard

I gently let a lady bug crawl on my finger

Transferred the lady bug to an outstretched mini finger

She grinned from ear-to-ear

Shhh now, don’t scare her

A loud whisper roared, “Oh- I won’t Mommy, I won’t!”

“She likes me Mommy! Look at her go”

Hopping up & down

The lady bug roamed from finger to hand

Hand to elbow

Elbow to shoulder

And back down again

Little Miss stood frozen watching her go

“Oh Mommy- look at her, isn’t she beautiful?”

Yes, yes she is and I was not talking about the lady bug

My deaf Australian shepherd crawled into my lap

Her bright blue eyes mimic the Florida sky

I kissed her soft, fuzzy head

We watched the traveling lady bug

Travel on little fingers next to us

A lady bug kind of day

To reflect about the beauty of the wind,

The sunshine, priorities & what they should be

A lady bug kind of day

To reflect on TODAY

To appreciate, recognize, feel and connect

To those we love & that matter most

Or should

Shhhh… don’t scare your lady bug!

“Oh, I’m not Mommy- look at her go”

Lady bug perched on a freckled little shoulder

Time, goes so fast as we age

One day we’ll wake up to a quiet house

Empty rooms

Lady bugs a faded memory

What does your legacy look like?

What are you fighting for?

Five year old is fast asleep

Upset that she couldn’t bring her lady bug inside

Maybe I should have woken her

To find a few more lady bugs together

That’s what our days should be for

A lady bug kind of day

Craving Everything

I’ll keep stepping

Because that is what I do

Disappointment vibrates

Through me

Lack of authenticity

Sorely lacking

Thoughts in head

Disappear

Like a vapor

Dust

It was never real

It was never going to be enough

The mantra repeats-

Enough is never good enough

Toe-to-toe I fold

Like the Edvard Munich painting

Screaming

Bummed at the loss

Of nothing

But

Craving everything

Stay

Please let me stay

I don’t want to go

Over there

Finger pointing

To the dark window

On the second floor

Orange blanket

Blows outside the

Window

Please don’t leave me

Small hand gripping

In panic

Belly growls

Hungry

Curled up on the

Washer machine

Covered in a military blanket

Shhhhhhh

Don’t tell them

I’m here, ok?

Please feed me

I need love

I can’t say if I’ve ever

Known true love

Unconditionally

Please let me stay

Just for a minute

Where it’s safe

And I feel loved

Not alone

Ten years old

I shouldn’t

Feel so all alone

Please let me shower

And borrow

Your clothes

I don’t know how to wash

Can you help me?

Do you see me?

I’m ten years old

And I’ve never known

Safety

Never known

A warm bed &

Soft pillows

A full belly

Three hot meals a day

Unknown to me

Please let me stay

I don’t want to go

Over there

Finger point to the dark window

On the second floor

Burns

It burns

This heartache

My lungs burn

I can’t breathe

I’m wanting to flee

But my breath

Is torn from me

It burns

The closer you get

To me

The harder I fall

She can’t support me

I can’t help myself

It burns

And blisters

This fear

Invades my nostrils

And everything

Stinks

Those eyes

So sad

Burn an image

In my brain

That won’t leave me

I can’t run

I don’t want to

But I must

This legacy burns

A panic in my heart

That can’t

Be shaken off me

That smile

Sad smile

Good-bye

Burns my heart

I want to stop

Spinning in circles

What is my new normal?

It burns

I can’t

Breathe

This road goes on

Forever

As I flee

This heartache burns

Casualties of War

Father screams for his son

Lying limp in his arms

Needing help, desperate for it

As bombs explode overhead

Casualties of War

Chaos

Burned flesh

Their scent blowing in the air

Little boy with eyes missing

Can you hear him weeping?

For his children?

Both sides, all his

Casualties of War

Tears, wailing, all wanting quiet

A little peace

A little joy

A chance to be free

Faces silent, mourning

Still living

Eyes staring darkly into photo lenses

Hostility growing

Mothers wailing the loss of their children

Food delivered

Running for safety

Casualties of War

Sirens blaring

Civilians trying to get food

Suddenly are on the ground

Praying they are not next

Casualties of War

Death

Alone

Dying, both sides

Bloody babies cradled

In weeping mothers’ arms

Casualties of War

Can you hear him weeping?

Tragedy Happens

Misunderstood

Judgments crept in

Minds made up

BOOM

Tragedy happens

Too many times in succession

Suddenly the haze clears

Everything becomes crystal clear

Appreciation for our now

This moment

Please understand

Initially we misunderstood each other

Now I see you in their eyes

Their actions

The way they talk

The way they walk

The way they laugh

Small details in the most

Intricate things

Witty sayings

Silly ways

You’re still here

We are more for it

Shouldn’t we honor those in our now?

Adore them?

Love them?

Cherish them?

Misunderstandings happen

Maybe we should always think about

Positive intention

Family-to-family

Friends-to-friends

Sometimes altered forever

Thankful for the gift

Of tragedy

It reminds us of what is true

In our lives

Right now

Anesthesia Fog

I woke in the recovery room

To the smell of hospital soap and anesthesia

The sound of the beeping heart monitor

The IV gurgling in my veins

Bleary-eyed I tried to focus on the Doctor’s voice

He rubbed my hand, “We had to do a hysterectomy”

I gulped, eyes closed, anesthesia lulling me back to sleep

I opened one eye, trying to focus on the nurse,

“Did I hear that correctly? Did he say hysterectomy?”

“Yes.”

I remember turning my head and looking out the window

The sky was cloudy and gray

It was going to storm

Lightening flashed in the distance

My eyes grew heavy once again

I succumbed to the anesthesia fog

And remembered thinking,

“But we had already picked your name…”

Snowy Egret

You stood there stoic

In the pouring rain

A torrential down pour

You waited for a fish to come

The canal flooded

The wind pounded you

You shook your head

Wiggled your body

Stood like a beautiful white statue

Unmoving

Cautiously

Patiently

Expectantly waiting

For that morsel to come

Blaring car horns

Screeching brakes

Red light

Focused

Nothing moved you

Nothing distracted your gaze

From the murky waters

Oh if we could be that stoic

Snowy Egret

Unmoved

Focused

In the moment

In the now

Ever present

A life lesson from an unlikely friend

In the pouring rain from the car

Screeching brakes

Blaring horns

Red light

Did you see him?

Jeni McCreary

Twelve Years Old

Unlovable

That’s what I’ve believed all these years

I am unlovable

Wall so tall, hard demeanor

No one could possibly love me

And yet

Precious baby girl bouncing in my lap

Her eyes filled with love

For me!

To her I am her hero, her protector

Her guardian angel

Twelve years old my innocence was lost

Forever altered

Missing something

Missing everything

Questioning all things

Seeking anything

No one heard me?

Who will save me?

I am unlovable

Laughter, friends, uncertain future

Innocent love

Protection, protector

Happy & positive, twelve year old girl

Shoved in a closet

Bound with rope

She is never getting out

Is she?

Wanting to be found

Heart ache to mend

To grieve

To share… her story

She has something to say

And yet…

Fear

Quiet cup of coffee

One lump in throat

Mom- I have something to tell you…

When I was twelve years old…

Tragic story told… Released

Mending showed up

Peace

Love

Fear abandoned

I AM loved

I AM needed

I AM wanted

I AM watched for

I AM released

Throwing open the closet door

Twelve year old girl has flown

Rope coiled on the ground

Like a dead snake

Loved

But you have to tell

Your story

And get help

Jeni McCreary

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1 in 4 women/girls in the US will be victim to rape, a 25-26% chance in their lifetime. I wrote this for those whose stories haunt me and for those I haven’t met yet… our dear mothers, daughters and sisters that have so much baggage and who have gone through so much. Rape changes a person, fear cripples feeling that you have little or no support. While some may not see their own value I hope one day they will. Their tough demeanor, so hard to crack….simply need to know that they ARE loved, needed, wanted, and watched for. Recognize it now, your value, your future calling you forward. Throw open the closet door and know… you ARE loved!

Just Stop

Keep stepping

The mantra

Keep moving

Don’t look back

But we do

Over & over again

Regret nothing

Oh so many regrets

So many battles

Too much grief

Too many things

Left unsaid

But stepping

Feels right

Except the walls

Chunk up

A little taller

A little higher- day-over-day

Survival mode

This stepping

Looking at the future

One day when

Fear creeps in

Fear of failure

Angst

Never enough time

For anyone

Including for yourself

Dark circles under eyes

blood shot eyes- lack of sleep

Just stop

You must stop the stepping

Take them out

one-by-one

To deal with the hurt

The baggage

The pain

It sucks

It hurts

It is hard

All the feelings

Could be better off

Left alone

But not for you

Your growth

To be a better

Human

To appreciate those you love

To find courage

In your now

You can do this

You are more than enough

So just stop

And deal

With it all

And watch yourself

Grow

Bloom

Shine

Brighter

Than you’ve ever

Shined before

You can

You must

Just stop… stepping

And deal

With each battle

Each death

Each regret

Each wound

Each love lost

Each unfulfilled expectation

Each hurt

Each breech to your heart, mind & body

Scrub them clean

No more stepping

Just stop

you

will

when

you’re

ready

So… Just stop