You have it all wrong, he said
Do I?
You’ll regret it, he said
Will I?
I am exhausted
Tired
Ready for more
To be nourished
Cared for
Looked for
Sought after
I started dreaming again
On my own
About a future
About quiet
About peace
Peace isn’t enough, he said
For me, right now
It is
The courage to be still
That’s a hard one
I’ve lived the last six years
Ensuring I’m not still
Being still forces the
shhhhh…
Reflection
Pondering
Dealing with emotion
Work through mourning
Tackling anger
It’s so much easier
To NOT be still
Being still clears your head
Makes you cry
Forces you to work through
Your stuff… the junk
It’s not fun
It takes courage to be still
To heal
To change
To grow
To be a better human
But you have to find
Your courage
You have to want it
And sit in it
Your junk
All those pieces & parts
To change and heal
Even when afraid
Of the pain
It takes courage to
Be still
Please be still…
Compelled
To Red Rock Canyon
To climb and hike
And be
To breathe
To feel the hot Vegas sunshine on my face & shoulders
I HAD to be there
Couldn’t not go
I had to share this beautiful place
With my friends
I stared up the mountain trail
Already half way up
I knew… I had to run the rest of the way up
My feet started to chop
Digging in to slippery gravel & rocks
My lungs burned
Not use to the altitude
Her voice in my head: you can do this honey, you can
I can do anything I set my mind too
Once at the top I wanted to pass out
Near asthma attack
But I did it
Climbing mountains in life is tough
But we will make it
The way down will be so much sweeter
Joy is coming, it will come back
My brother… dumbfounded
What compelled you to Red Rock Canyon?
Me: I couldn’t NOT be there, I felt driven to be
Brother: you do know I scattered Mom’s ashes all through that canyon?
Tilt!
Tears… I was beckoned there…
Love, grit and peace
Compelled
Red Rock Canyon, 9/29/18
Grief like a roller coaster
Up
Down
High
Low
Up has been longer
Until recently
Seeing your blue eyes everywhere
Your silly sneezes
Your outlandish sunglasses
Orange skies painted just for me
Reached for the phone
Wishing we could chat
Talked out loud to you several times
Need some solid Mama advice
Louie Armstrong randomly played,
“La Vie En Rose”
Closing my eyes and oh the memories…
Your awful singing
Our awkward dancing
Falling into each other’s arms laughing
Need you now more than ever
Your paintings everywhere
They make me happy
Headed to Vegas & I wonder
Will I find you there?
Vegas your home for over 22 years
The memories
The missing
The joy
Of you… everywhere
Grief like a roller coaster
Up
Down
High
Low
image: Google image
Swirling clouds
Muddy the brain
Too many thoughts
Stuck
Inability to decide
The path
Everything feels broken
Twisted
Swirling
Hot
Everything is hot
Sweat runs down back
Sweaty pits
Tears
This is hard
This phase
Phase in
Phase out
Longing
Seeking
Discovery
Pounding workouts
Clears the brain
Releases tension
Overtly sensitive
Yet strength pops up unexpectedly
Now what?
Breathe
Stop for a second
To reflect
Just how far you’ve come
This too shall pass
More is coming
It’s just a thing
One more thing
That’s what you do
You do
And do
You grind
Until your hands and mind bleed
From exhaustion
From fear
And yet
You sense more
Something bigger
Something unexplainable
Something unexpected
Something good
Something startling
Be startled
Destiny calling
Can you hear it
Can you feel the wind kiss your chin?
Hair flying
Chaos
Hope
More
Dreams waiting
What will you do when they come for you?
Swirling clouds
Muddy the brain
Too many thoughts
But
You
Will
Get
Unstuck
When you’re ready
And prayed up
photo: google/cabinfevermommy@blogspot.com
Repentance to others takes time
Often it’s never enough
Wounds are too deep
For others to accept
Salt water may cleanse the wound
But healing takes patience & time
Time we don’t have
Imagination is worse than reality
Yet reality can’t be heard
Or processed
Leaving wounds open
Picking at wounds never help
Picking at scabs when close to healing
Opens everything again
Prayers go up
And up
And up
And up
Where is the faith?
Lost it along the way?
No repentance will offer resolution
Or acceptance
Or forgiveness
Maybe forgiveness comes
In just letting go
Of the wounds?
Of each other?
Of the past?
Of the hurt?
Acceptance that things will never be the same again
Regardless of forgiveness
The decision that it is done
Done done
When do the wounds heal?
What makes repentance meaningful?
When does healing come?
Mentally?
Emotionally?
Physically?
Let go and let God?
Easier said than done
Wounds ooze as they heal
The process takes time
Time is something we don’t have
Or do we?
You
Will
When
You’re
Ready
Time
Havana in the Rain
Torrential down pour
Tourists hide in alcove
A run down hotel
Mid-renovation, can’t go in
Steamy hot at 9 o’clock am
Now cold wind
Whipping rain pellets
On tender skin
Local children without running water
Sprint to the plaza
Jumping into the fountain
Belly flops
Cannon balls
Tourists on their feet whooping
In merriment- this is living
Standing ovation
For a brave little boy
Displaying amazing freedom
He grins at the accolades
Crazy Americans
His smile blinding
He races across the plaza
Every mother holds their breath
Worrying as if he were their own
His courage and uninhibited flop
Inspiring
If only we could be that fearless
A grandmother grabs her granddaughter
They dance and splash in the rain
Lightening cracking around them
Their laughter ringing in every ear
Watching, shivering, grinning
Oh to be spontaneous
How often are we really that uninhibited?
That free?
Joy comes in the little things
Like a little boy jumping in a fountain
Cannonball
A grandmother stomping in puddles with her granddaughter
A torrential down pour
Beautiful Havana in the rain
Pure joy
Soak it in
Repeat
(Havana, Cuba- 7/12/18)
Set your own course
Before, during & after
The storms
Be Brave
Embrace your now
Your truth
Your pain
Your sorrow
Your joy
Your laughter
Your highs
Your lows
You are not alone
This too shall pass
You are not a victim of
Circumstances
Or
Weak minded
Or a twisted mess
Soon enough your course
Will straighten out
Sure it’s a pinch crooked
A little bent
The journey will make you
A lot stronger
So heal
Let go
Take a breath
Do something you’d
Never do
Be startled
No fear
No regrets
Lightening too close
Stand a little taller
Walk it out
I see you
Really see
Deep into your eyes
The truth reflecting
In the mirror
Be bold
Stay grateful
For every breath
Don’t you dare
Look back
You’re not going
That way
Believe
Set your own course
And go
photo: Google search
Light fractures into the bedroom
Sleepy eyes watching from bed
The prisms of light kiss the walls
And rebound around the room
Close my eyes
Not ready to get up
Sadness vibrating
Mourning what feels like
Everything
I dose again- not the normal
Three hours later
I open my eyes
Only to see light dancing
Across the bedroom wall
The floor shimmers
Where did my resilience go?
I was born tough
But not today
I close my eyes again
Sinking deep under the covers
Images and faces haunt me
I fall back to sleep
Crying
1 p.m. I wake again, swollen-eyes
Mourning
Light still resilient, patiently
Fracturing the walls and floor
I raise my hand and trace the light with my fingertips
The shimmering patterns of the sunshine is
Beautiful
I am beautiful
My heart, my mind, my body
Is beautiful
Deep sigh, inhale a long breath in
I force myself out of bed
The dogs are waiting for me at the bedroom door
I step
Trying to shake off the heaviness of
Life decisions
Hard decisions
My resilience feels
Shakey
I put on boxing gloves
And begin to pound the heavy bag
I am strong
I am tough
I am remarkable
The sunshine continues to fracture around me
Circling me in its beautiful, dancing light
It is resilient
So am I
strengthdefined 