You have something to say
But throat constricts
In fear
Can you be raw
Even in the hurt
I’ll take you
Wounded
Even with poor examples
Giving forgiveness
Sitting at your feet
Sweating
Just wanting you to know
I love you anyway
Regardless of your mistakes
Simply because I choose you
Unconditionally
Light fractures into the bedroom
Sleepy eyes watching from bed
The prisms of light kiss the walls
And rebound around the room
Close my eyes
Not ready to get up
Sadness vibrating
Mourning what feels like
Everything
I dose again- not the normal
Three hours later
I open my eyes
Only to see light dancing
Across the bedroom wall
The floor shimmers
Where did my resilience go?
I was born tough
But not today
I close my eyes again
Sinking deep under the covers
Images and faces haunt me
I fall back to sleep
Crying
1 p.m. I wake again, swollen-eyes
Mourning
Light still resilient, patiently
Fracturing the walls and floor
I raise my hand and trace the light with my fingertips
The shimmering patterns of the sunshine is
Beautiful
I am beautiful
My heart, my mind, my body
Is beautiful
Deep sigh, inhale a long breath in
I force myself out of bed
The dogs are waiting for me at the bedroom door
I step
Trying to shake off the heaviness of
Life decisions
Hard decisions
My resilience feels
Shakey
I put on boxing gloves
And begin to pound the heavy bag
I am strong
I am tough
I am remarkable
The sunshine continues to fracture around me
Circling me in its beautiful, dancing light
It is resilient
So am I
It was a Monday
Laid up at home
Left kidney screaming
Flopping around like a fish
Anxious, turned on Oprah
Topic of ‘dying’ with
Dr. Pausch’s last lecture
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
Pondering
Thinking
Crying
What would you do different
If you knew you were going to die in 3-6 months?
What would you change and why?
Why wait?
Don’t wait
Don’t waste any more time
Your life is calling
Are you listening?
Listen
You are
You do
You can
You will
Don’t waste any more time
A little bit brash
A whole lot of funny
Best damn mango martini’s you’ll ever have
The love of his ladies
All over his face when he stood watching each of you
Each of you fly and grow and become the beautiful women
That you are today
He’s proud and honored
To call you wife, daughter, granddaughter, friend, family…
A mentor
A champion
A fighter
Hilarious
His eyes twinkled mischievously and
That laugh
My God what a laugh with head tipped back
Or slapping a knee
He believed anything was possible
With hard work
Focus
And a little pain…
You carry on
You must
Stay bold
As he was
He wouldn’t want it
Any other way
Jeni McCreary
*Jerry Miller 1/6/2017 RIP
Hard lined, edgy
Frustrated, wanting more
Enough is never good enough
Twelve years old
I can do it by myself
Never to return again
To a mother’s arms
Wall so tall
Run straight to conflict
Hard issues- handled
Tough jobs- done
Delicate tea cups- crushed
I don’t need anybody or anything
Castle
Twenty-five years later
In the middle of a class
God decides to push
The healing button
Twenty pairs of eyes, on me
Hysteria
Alligator tears
Soaked shirt
Tear stained notes
Best friends and family
Who hold my hands
And smile
Oh so knowing smiles
No one appears to be surprised
But me
I’ve spent my entire life
In conflict
Survival
A bull
Snorting
Raging
In a china shop
Quieted now for a time
Refined, changed
Delicate tea cups
Expectantly waiting
Catching rain
Healing rain
Bring the rain
Jeni M.
PHOTO BY: Dan Gee “Bull in a China Shop”, American Fine Art
When it seems like I have been here forever
I dream of the rustic, tree lined mountain top
And my rock overlooking the city
Where I sit for hours
To contemplate life
Scented wild flowers unplug my
City polluted nostrils
I run free as can be, smiling
A fuzzy brown rabbit scurries under the tree
The sun winks down
My thoughts carry back to you
Stirring from my daydream
I look out the dusty window
Watch as the heavy fog crowds in around the city
It begins to rain
A deep sigh escapes my lips
I return to my work
It seems like I have been here forever
For what it’s worth:
It’s never too late or,
in my case, too early to be
whoever you want to be.
There’s no limit,
stop whenever you want.
You can change or stay the same,
There are no rules
To this thing. We can make
the best or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it.
And I hope you
see things that startle you.
I hope you feel things
You never felt before.
I hope you meet people with
A different point of view.
I hope you live a life
You’re proud of. If you
find that you’re not, I hope
you have the courage
To start all over again.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
It’s ok to be vulnerable
It’s ok to be sad
To be happy
To feel elation
Passion
To tell your story
Share your love
Fragility
Without brokenness
Is possible
With acceptance
Of your tribe
Of yourself
When you look
Really look
Into your own eyes
And see the depths
Of your own soul
Staring back
Change anything?
Do it
Need something?
Ask
Don’t mourn what isn’t
Have joy for what could be
What will be
Stay open
Keep pressing
Never look back
Stop tripping
Over your past hauntings
You’re beyond all that
You’re not going that way
You are enough
Even in your fragility
It’s who you are
And it’s
OK
Busy lives keep us
Distracted
Never having to deal
With it, or them, or life
We grind so hard and so long
That it’s easy
To flop into bed
Exhausted
Causing our own exhaustion
Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning
Organize, organize, organize
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Can’t stop
Must keep moving
Must keep going
Otherwise we’ll have to deal
With the missing
Missing friends
Missing family
Missing memories
Missing time
Missing dreams
Eaten up with
Must stay busy
Must be busy
Stay “fine”, “I’m good”
The quiet overwhelms
The brain that just wants
Reprieve
From all the planning
All the busy
All the tired
But isn’t it sad
Incredibly sad
That in all the busy
We’re missing
Our children’s giggles
Dogs at our feet wanting attention
The hawk perched in the tree
Staring & hoping that you’ll
Catch a higher vision
For yourself
For your family
For your friends
Is it worth it?
Your inability to slow down?
And enjoy
Who you are
What you are
Whose you are
Right now?
You can’t out run it
Your pain
But one day
When you’re ready
You will heal
And the busy
Will melt
Into a life that is
More
More centered
More balanced
More peaceful
In the meantime busy lives keep us
Distracted
Never having to deal
With it, or them, or life
How many second chances
Do we get at this life?
Don’t you feel destined
To do amazing things
In your life? Urgency pounding
I’ve been handed
EIGHT second chances
1st Second Chance
In Utero my Mom
Kept falling while 8 months
Pregnant, hospitalized
To prevent her from falling
Alcohol poisoning
A projectile vomiter
Rough beginnings
2nd Second Chance
Early twenties
An ovarian tumor
Led to emergency surgery
That led to a second surgery
That led to 10 months
Of hell
On Lupron
A plan prepared
Ready to execute
But the phone rang, my Dad:
“Don’t know where your head is at now, but don’t do it!”
3rd Second Chance
Late 20’s, pre-eclampsia
32.6 weeks pregnant
14 days in the hospital
5 pounds of fluid filled my lungs
Over night
Pulmonary edema
Kidneys failing
Liver not far behind
Emergency C-section
3#, 9 oz baby girl arrived
While I fought for my life
For over 36 hours
To live
To meet my daughter
4th Second Chance
Business trip
Left engine on plane blew up
Stewardess screaming:
“We’re on fire, we’re on fire- we are all going to die!”
5th Second Chance
A devastating hysterectomy
With the gift of my doctor spotting
Something wrong with my appendix
A carcinoid tumor
If ruptured- a death sentence
I mourned inability to not have more children …but
Blessed to be alive
6th Second Chance
After a toe joint replaced
Got super sick
Hospitalized for 14 days
Diagnosis, “we think you have leukemia”
Do I have enough life insurance?
Bone marrow test- BEYOND unpleasant
Ruled leukemia out… but
7th Second Chance
“We think you contracted
West Valley Fever when you went to
Nevada”
Mom was dying
Worse mortality rate
Than leukemia
Over 6 months
Scans
Sinus scrapes
7 doctors on deck
Final diagnosis:
“You just have really bad luck”
8th Second Chance
Insane bladder infection
With a deadly antibiotic resistant bug
I was sent home on intravenous
Line in my arm
Self administered heavy duty
Antibiotics into my body
3 times a day, 3 weeks
Another Doc said:
“You just have really bad luck”
I know I’m meant to do amazing things in this life
Never take your life for granted
Focus on your now
Spend quality time with
Your family & friends
Dream
Set goals
Achieve those goals
Have courage
And love
With all you’ve got
No regrets
strengthdefined 