Compelled

Compelled

To Red Rock Canyon

To climb and hike 

And be

To breathe

To feel the hot Vegas sunshine on my face & shoulders

I HAD to be there

Couldn’t not go

I had to share this beautiful place

With my friends

I stared up the mountain trail

Already half way up

I knew… I had to run the rest of the way up

My feet started to chop

Digging in to slippery gravel & rocks

My lungs burned

Not use to the altitude

Her voice in my head: you can do this honey, you can

I can do anything I set my mind too

Once at the top I wanted to pass out

Near asthma attack

But I did it

Climbing mountains in life is tough

But we will make it

The way down will be so much sweeter

Joy is coming, it will come back

My brother… dumbfounded

What compelled you to Red Rock Canyon?

Me: I couldn’t NOT be there, I felt driven to be

Brother: you do know I scattered Mom’s ashes all through that canyon?

Tilt!

Tears… I was beckoned there…

Love, grit and peace 

Compelled 

Red Rock Canyon, 9/29/18

Roller coaster

Grief like a roller coaster

Up

Down

High

Low

Up has been longer

Until recently

Seeing your blue eyes everywhere

Your silly sneezes

Your outlandish sunglasses

Orange skies painted just for me

Reached for the phone

Wishing we could chat

Talked out loud to you several times

Need some solid Mama advice

Louie Armstrong randomly played,

“La Vie En Rose”

Closing my eyes and oh the memories…

Your awful singing

Our awkward dancing

Falling into each other’s arms laughing

Need you now more than ever

Your paintings everywhere

They make me happy

Headed to Vegas & I wonder

Will I find you there?

Vegas your home for over 22 years

The memories

The missing

The joy

Of you… everywhere

Grief like a roller coaster

Up

Down

High

Low

 

image: Google image

 

Blue

Blue The Color of… 

The sky

Glaciers

Sea glass

Peacocks

Blue bells

Lanterns

Ocean

Nail polish

Walls

Blue the color of emotions…

Melancholy

Sadness

Tears

Turbulent

Transcending through multiple shades

And layers

Of blue

Laughing

Crying

Wandering thoughts

Route back to you 

Letting go is blue

Healing wrapped in a warm fuzzy blue blanket

Blue crayons draw blue hearts

Mourning you, Mourning me

Dark eyes look in the mirror, wanting only peace

Peace is vibrant robin egg blue 

I’ll find you there

Happy 

Melting into blue lapis

Sun shining in the crisp 

Blue sky 

 

Words to my year ago self

You are awesome

You are going to do great things

You are strong

You are able

You embraced challenges

Started your 1/2 sleeve

Watched your daughter learn and grow

Be there for her, but let her make those hard decisions

And own them

You were brave

Remember not to get wounded in the little things

Let things go more

Pick your battles better

Seek first to understand

Your listening has gotten better

Do more of that

Stop the echo in your head that says, “I can’t”

Your “can’t” kept you hostage for too long

Let “I can’t” be more of, “I CAN”

You put in the work

You found courage

Keep listening to your instincts, no doubting

Learn

Seek forgiveness from others & yourself

Stop rutting

Stop wallowing

Keep moving forward

Find peace

Pray more

Laugh more, daily on the regular

Tell your family & friends how much you love them

Continue to seek joy in the little things

Stop being so hard on yourself

Relect on how far you’ve come

Stay passionate

Rock steady

Keep learning

Set bigger goals

Believe in yourself

Get more sleep

Keep writing

Be open

Be honest

Be transparent

When tough days come- get back up

Cry

Own your pieces & parts

Reflect

Change what you can

Heal

Find peace

Stay in your now

 

 

UNSTUCK

Swirling clouds 

Muddy the brain

Too many thoughts

Stuck

Inability to decide

The path

Everything feels broken

Twisted 

Swirling

Hot

Everything is hot

Sweat runs down back

Sweaty pits

Tears

This is hard 

This phase 

Phase in

Phase out

Longing

Seeking

Discovery 

Pounding workouts 

Clears the brain

Releases tension

Overtly sensitive

Yet strength pops up unexpectedly 

Now what?

Breathe

Stop for a second

To reflect

Just how far you’ve come

This too shall pass

More is coming

It’s just a thing

One more thing

That’s what you do

You do

And do

You grind

Until your hands and mind bleed

From exhaustion

From fear

And yet

You sense more

Something bigger

Something unexplainable 

Something unexpected 

Something good 

Something startling

Be startled  

Destiny calling

Can you hear it

Can you feel the wind kiss your chin?

Hair flying 

Chaos 

Hope

More

Dreams waiting

What will you do when they come for you?

Swirling clouds 

Muddy the brain

Too many thoughts

But 

You

Will

Get

Unstuck

When you’re ready

And prayed up

photo: google/cabinfevermommy@blogspot.com

Time

Repentance to others takes time

Often it’s never enough

Wounds are too deep

For others to accept

Salt water may cleanse the wound 

But healing takes patience & time

Time we don’t have

Imagination is worse than reality

Yet reality can’t be heard

Or processed

Leaving wounds open

Picking at wounds never help 

Picking at scabs when close to healing 

Opens everything again

Prayers go up

And up

And up

And up

Where is the faith? 

Lost it along the way? 

No repentance will offer resolution 

Or acceptance

Or forgiveness

Maybe forgiveness comes 

In just letting go

Of the wounds?

Of each other? 

Of the past?

Of the hurt?

Acceptance that things will never be the same again 

Regardless of forgiveness 

The decision that it is done 

Done done

When do the wounds heal?

What makes repentance meaningful?

When does healing come?

Mentally?

Emotionally? 

Physically?

Let go and let God?

Easier said than done 

Wounds ooze as they heal 

The process takes time

Time is something we don’t have 

Or do we?

You

Will

When

You’re

Ready

Time

Unmovable

Set your mind to it

Whatever your IT is

Make a plan

Get to stepping

Life will derail you

Stay unmovable

Know where your strength comes from

Be honest with yourself

Vocalize your dreams, your goals, your plans

Heal 

Inside & out

Topple over- get back up

You are unmovable

You can do this

You are more than you give yourself credit for

Get help

Find courage

Be Brave

You’ve got this

No fear

See joy around you, but grab some for yourself

It’s ok to cry… let it out and let it go

You are unmovable 

And awesome

You can

You will

You are

There is a hope and a plan for your future

And it is good

Rock solid

Unmovable