Tag: Distractions

Time

Repentance to others takes time

Often it’s never enough

Wounds are too deep

For others to accept

Salt water may cleanse the wound 

But healing takes patience & time

Time we don’t have

Imagination is worse than reality

Yet reality can’t be heard

Or processed

Leaving wounds open

Picking at wounds never help 

Picking at scabs when close to healing 

Opens everything again

Prayers go up

And up

And up

And up

Where is the faith? 

Lost it along the way? 

No repentance will offer resolution 

Or acceptance

Or forgiveness

Maybe forgiveness comes 

In just letting go

Of the wounds?

Of each other? 

Of the past?

Of the hurt?

Acceptance that things will never be the same again 

Regardless of forgiveness 

The decision that it is done 

Done done

When do the wounds heal?

What makes repentance meaningful?

When does healing come?

Mentally?

Emotionally? 

Physically?

Let go and let God?

Easier said than done 

Wounds ooze as they heal 

The process takes time

Time is something we don’t have 

Or do we?

You

Will

When

You’re

Ready

Time

Unmovable

Set your mind to it

Whatever your IT is

Make a plan

Get to stepping

Life will derail you

Stay unmovable

Know where your strength comes from

Be honest with yourself

Vocalize your dreams, your goals, your plans

Heal 

Inside & out

Topple over- get back up

You are unmovable

You can do this

You are more than you give yourself credit for

Get help

Find courage

Be Brave

You’ve got this

No fear

See joy around you, but grab some for yourself

It’s ok to cry… let it out and let it go

You are unmovable 

And awesome

You can

You will

You are

There is a hope and a plan for your future

And it is good

Rock solid

Unmovable 

PERFECT EVERYTHING

She stands poised in her best clothes

Trophy wife with a smile on her face 

Social media portrays a woman with it all together 

Beautiful self, perfect everything

Hair, nails, makeup

Beautiful children who are perfect

Perfect everything

Beautiful husband, rich- prestigious career 

Beautiful home, perfect & grand

Beautiful vacations around the world

Behind the lenses of social media 

You’ll find tired eyes

Pace marks leave tracks in the perfect white bedroom carpet

She wonders where her husband is

Really in meetings?

Really so busy?

Does it matter that he cheats? 

She can’t give up this life

She can’t afford the lifestyle for herself 

She can take half of everything 

But even that isn’t enough

She works out like crazy to clear her head and pound the anger away

In the process she doesn’t eat which leads to bitter battles

He wants his women big

He craves women big 

The bigger, the better

His obsession

Soon to be 50 and he’ll never change

His thirst for big beauty will never stop

He can’t contain it

He hides it, but can’t live without it

All done in secrets and lies

Secret apartment

Secret life

Secret underworld on boys trips

Doesn’t matter the age

Perfect wife will never know

The pace marks in the white carpet tell a different story

So do the phone calls to unknown numbers as she screams at big beauties to stay away from her husband

They’re working on their perfect marriage 

Fixing things, aren’t they?

Isn’t that what his words say?

He wants her to believe 

She is loved

Cared for

Adored

Oh! But what about them?

Their children watching, knowing, feeling

Perfect Mommy with anxiety will never measure up

The legacy cycle will continue 

Generation-to-generation

Must be great

Must be perfect

Must not fail

A price to pay

Hidden pleasures locked away with lives broken

In the wake of his obsession that will never be satisfied 

Big beauties are not perfect for the rich

They do not portray the right perfection

The right health & wellness

What a mess

What a lie

It has to be exhausting for everyone

Hearts are broken

Lots of them

No one wants to “feel” loved

They want to be truly loved 

Thin beauties, big beauties

Loved just as they are

Without conditions 

Pace marks continue to track in the perfect bedroom carpet

Perfect tired eyes of the trophy wife wondering

Where is her perfect husband now?

And big beauties wait for & cry over a man who will never be theirs

Always sold empty words

Meaningless daily morning texts

Bait & hook

Unfulfilled

Words without action

Never to be loved, only used

“Feel” loved?

Narcissistic husband living in a house

Of perfect cards

She stands poised in her best clothes

Trophy wife with a smile on her face

Perfect everything

Or is it? 

Photo: purchased “icanstock”

Havana in the Rain

Havana in the Rain

Torrential down pour

Tourists hide in alcove 

A run down hotel

Mid-renovation, can’t go in

Steamy hot at 9 o’clock am

Now cold wind 

Whipping rain pellets

On tender skin

Local children without running water

Sprint to the plaza 

Jumping into the fountain 

Belly flops

Cannon balls

Tourists on their feet whooping

In merriment- this is living

Standing ovation 

For a brave little boy

Displaying amazing freedom 

He grins at the accolades 

Crazy Americans 

His smile blinding

He races across the plaza

Every mother holds their breath

Worrying as if he were their own

His courage and uninhibited flop

Inspiring

If only we could be that fearless

A grandmother grabs her granddaughter 

They dance and splash in the rain

Lightening cracking around them

Their laughter ringing in every ear 

Watching, shivering, grinning 

Oh to be spontaneous

How often are we really that uninhibited?

That free? 

Joy comes in the little things

Like a little boy jumping in a fountain

Cannonball 

A grandmother stomping in puddles with her granddaughter

A torrential down pour

Beautiful Havana in the rain 

Pure joy 

Soak it in

Repeat

(Havana, Cuba- 7/12/18)

Set Your Own Course

Set your own course

Before, during & after

The storms

Be Brave

Embrace your now

Your truth

Your pain

Your sorrow

Your joy

Your laughter

Your highs

Your lows

You are not alone

This too shall pass

You are not a victim of

Circumstances 

Or

Weak minded

Or a twisted mess

Soon enough your course 

Will straighten out

Sure it’s a pinch crooked

A little bent

The journey will make you

A lot stronger

So heal

Let go

Take a breath

Do something you’d 

Never do

Be startled

No fear

No regrets

Lightening too close

Stand a little taller  

Walk it out

I see you

Really see

Deep into your eyes

The truth reflecting 

In the mirror

Be bold

Stay grateful

For every breath

Don’t you dare

Look back

You’re not going 

That way

Believe 

Set your own course

And go

 

 

photo: Google search

Unconditionally

You have something to say

But throat constricts

In fear

Can you be raw

Even in the hurt

I’ll take you

Wounded

Even with poor examples

Giving forgiveness

Sitting at your feet

Sweating

Just wanting you to know

I love you anyway 

Regardless of your mistakes

Simply because I choose you

Unconditionally

Resilience

Light fractures into the bedroom

Sleepy eyes watching from bed

The prisms of light kiss the walls

And rebound around the room

Close my eyes

Not ready to get up

Sadness vibrating

Mourning what feels like

Everything

I dose again- not the normal

Three hours later

I open my eyes

Only to see light dancing

Across the bedroom wall

The floor shimmers

Where did my resilience go?

I was born tough

But not today

I close my eyes again

Sinking deep under the covers

Images and faces haunt me

I fall back to sleep

Crying

1 p.m. I wake again, swollen-eyes

Mourning

Light still resilient, patiently

Fracturing the walls and floor

I raise my hand and trace the light with my fingertips

The shimmering patterns of the sunshine is

Beautiful

I am beautiful

My heart, my mind, my body

Is beautiful

Deep sigh, inhale a long breath in

I force myself out of bed

The dogs are waiting for me at the bedroom door

I step

Trying to shake off the heaviness of

Life decisions

Hard decisions

My resilience feels

Shakey

I put on boxing gloves

And begin to pound the heavy bag

I am strong

I am tough

I am remarkable

The sunshine continues to fracture around me

Circling me in its beautiful, dancing light

It is resilient

So am I

Jasper’s Looking Glass

Jasper grab your petticoat

Lift it high about your head

Can you feel the blowing cotton tickle your belly button?

Did you hear the thunder Jasper?

Can you feel the wind?

Don’t you think we really ought to go in?

Mommy is calling Jasper

Gather your things

Oh your dress is so lovely

Do you think Mommy will mind the mud?

Bright eyes, a gently scolding from a beautiful person

How clear her eyes sparkle in the dark

Roll over Jasper,

Don’t hug your knees

You’re ok as long as you’re with me

Life plays its tricks

Time goes by

How the laughter went unnoticed

Is it really true that time heals all wounds?

I don’t feel release of this fire

See the embers Jasper?

Watch them glow

Didn’t you know?

That they would burn and blister?

But they say time heals all wounds

Can you truly forget?

By and by I long,

I yearn

When will the strings of sadness stop to pull

And smiles begin to start?

They don’t

How come?

Do I have to love in sadness?

You will always love

I won’t…

You do now

I know

White petticoat, bare feet

My how you’ve grown since I last saw you

You remember me?

A twitch a glow, something forgotten

I would rather stop and slow then know

That my love was never enough

At least from me to you and around again

How much did you love me?

You knew

I didn’t

You said, you made your choice

I am sorry

It stings

I know

You couldn’t possibly remember

I wish I could

But never cared

Never needed to

How lonely for you

Jasper? Are you asleep?

Wake up my dear and drink your tea

Wait- someone is calling me…

Don’t go!

You are dreaming!

I always will

Listen to reality

I feel it, I don’t need to listen

Hold on

I am

Tell him

I have

Love him

I do

Always?

Yes

Good-night Jasper

Good-bye

My how you’ve grown

Never enough

Never is not good enough

What a fool

Only to you

Sweet dreams

I’ll always…

Always?

Always

Good-bye then

Farewell

Jasper lifts up her hands as her petticoat floats above her head.

A hint of a smile shows on her lips

Knowing that one day

She’ll be ok

Empty Red Sleigh

The wind blows gently across the humid night

A dragonfly lands on a piece of vine

The smell of jasmine intoxicates my brain

Tiny feathers of a baby duck float in my hand

The wonders of love and time

Did I ever really know?

Could I only guess?

The empty red sleigh of so long ago

Is still empty today

Without a thought or even regret?

My tough bravado so mean to shine, to dream

Kisses upon my forehead

Laughter upon your lips

Your lashes are as long as whips

Blueberries and cream

All those impossible things

Like sugar in iced tea that never dissolves

But still wet

One wonders why your hand is blue

Your heart cold as steel

Like the bitter aspirin I tried so hard to swallow

What do you need my dear?

What can I bring?

Can I bring you flowers on a cold day that fills your heart with love?

Can I bring you my kisses?

Oh, how they use to mean so much!

Honeybees and trinket locks

Lost in time and rust forgot

The splendid dreams and goals that were never meant for me

Long leisurely naps of gold

To erase that old worn path that deemed to be…

Me

Trodden and spoiled, forever soiled

The beauty of that part that tickles my heart never rings

Sunglasses with hazy sadness lurking behind my eyes

Little girl blue in stockings and lace

If only you could see your face

What happened to the sunshine when the clouds came

And knocked you to the ground?

Get up!

Breath, dream, feel and touch

Paranoid places in dark mystic faces

That no one cares to cross or touch

Reality a given, long and hidden

Letting the world fly by

Wanting so much

Asking so little

Always subject to eyes

You are too big

You are too tall

Well let me say how small you are my dear

My laughter and my tears

Goals made of jelly

Sticky at the slightest touch

Butterflies whisper the secret of a long-forgotten love

Build up that wall

Stick to your guns

Fight, fight, fight, fight

Blue jays in a ruckus, ducks talking tomorrow

I am only saying, “Tonight”

Care to hear that story of one so long ago

That whispered clever says of a not so clever man

I need you, I want you

But wait…lies, hidden contacts, no authenticity

What were those words spoken with a smile on your part?

Ah yes, it is coming back to me like syrup over biscuits

You do not want me

School of style on a column page

Progress in its finest

Etiquette on your knees

Please let me tell you

Oh, hear me say

I loved the thought of you

What could and never will be

Little red sleigh

Slides to my feet

Empty again

Should that surprise me?

Alas, my guess would be

It has always been there

And so sad… always, always empty

* I wrote this poem over twenty years ago.  Let only a few read it. Dusting off some old pieces and sharing. Sometimes to heal, we need to let go of the past.

Jeni M.

Don’t Waste Any More Time

It was a Monday

Laid up at home

Left kidney screaming

Flopping around like a fish

Anxious, turned on Oprah

Topic of ‘dying’ with

Dr. Pausch’s last lecture

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

Pondering

Thinking

Crying

What would you do different

If you knew you were going to die in 3-6 months?

What would you change and why?

Why wait?

Don’t wait

Don’t waste any more time

Your life is calling

Are you listening?

Listen

You are

You do

You can

You will

Don’t waste any more time