Resilience

Light fractures into the bedroom

Sleepy eyes watching from bed

The prisms of light kiss the walls

And rebound around the room

Close my eyes

Not ready to get up

Sadness vibrating

Mourning what feels like

Everything

I dose again- not the normal

Three hours later

I open my eyes

Only to see light dancing

Across the bedroom wall

The floor shimmers

Where did my resilience go?

I was born tough

But not today

I close my eyes again

Sinking deep under the covers

Images and faces haunt me

I fall back to sleep

Crying

1 p.m. I wake again, swollen-eyes

Mourning

Light still resilient, patiently

Fracturing the walls and floor

I raise my hand and trace the light with my fingertips

The shimmering patterns of the sunshine is

Beautiful

I am beautiful

My heart, my mind, my body

Is beautiful

Deep sigh, inhale a long breath in

I force myself out of bed

The dogs are waiting for me at the bedroom door

I step

Trying to shake off the heaviness of

Life decisions

Hard decisions

My resilience feels

Shakey

I put on boxing gloves

And begin to pound the heavy bag

I am strong

I am tough

I am remarkable

The sunshine continues to fracture around me

Circling me in its beautiful, dancing light

It is resilient

So am I

Jasper’s Looking Glass

Jasper grab your petticoat

Lift it high about your head

Can you feel the blowing cotton tickle your belly button?

Did you hear the thunder Jasper?

Can you feel the wind?

Don’t you think we really ought to go in?

Mommy is calling Jasper

Gather your things

Oh your dress is so lovely

Do you think Mommy will mind the mud?

Bright eyes, a gently scolding from a beautiful person

How clear her eyes sparkle in the dark

Roll over Jasper,

Don’t hug your knees

You’re ok as long as you’re with me

Life plays its tricks

Time goes by

How the laughter went unnoticed

Is it really true that time heals all wounds?

I don’t feel release of this fire

See the embers Jasper?

Watch them glow

Didn’t you know?

That they would burn and blister?

But they say time heals all wounds

Can you truly forget?

By and by I long,

I yearn

When will the strings of sadness stop to pull

And smiles begin to start?

They don’t

How come?

Do I have to love in sadness?

You will always love

I won’t…

You do now

I know

White petticoat, bare feet

My how you’ve grown since I last saw you

You remember me?

A twitch a glow, something forgotten

I would rather stop and slow then know

That my love was never enough

At least from me to you and around again

How much did you love me?

You knew

I didn’t

You said, you made your choice

I am sorry

It stings

I know

You couldn’t possibly remember

I wish I could

But never cared

Never needed to

How lonely for you

Jasper? Are you asleep?

Wake up my dear and drink your tea

Wait- someone is calling me…

Don’t go!

You are dreaming!

I always will

Listen to reality

I feel it, I don’t need to listen

Hold on

I am

Tell him

I have

Love him

I do

Always?

Yes

Good-night Jasper

Good-bye

My how you’ve grown

Never enough

Never is not good enough

What a fool

Only to you

Sweet dreams

I’ll always…

Always?

Always

Good-bye then

Farewell

Jasper lifts up her hands as her petticoat floats above her head.

A hint of a smile shows on her lips

Knowing that one day

She’ll be ok

Empty Red Sleigh

The wind blows gently across the humid night

A dragonfly lands on a piece of vine

The smell of jasmine intoxicates my brain

Tiny feathers of a baby duck float in my hand

The wonders of love and time

Did I ever really know?

Could I only guess?

The empty red sleigh of so long ago

Is still empty today

Without a thought or even regret?

My tough bravado so mean to shine, to dream

Kisses upon my forehead

Laughter upon your lips

Your lashes are as long as whips

Blueberries and cream

All those impossible things

Like sugar in iced tea that never dissolves

But still wet

One wonders why your hand is blue

Your heart cold as steel

Like the bitter aspirin I tried so hard to swallow

What do you need my dear?

What can I bring?

Can I bring you flowers on a cold day that fills your heart with love?

Can I bring you my kisses?

Oh, how they use to mean so much!

Honeybees and trinket locks

Lost in time and rust forgot

The splendid dreams and goals that were never meant for me

Long leisurely naps of gold

To erase that old worn path that deemed to be…

Me

Trodden and spoiled, forever soiled

The beauty of that part that tickles my heart never rings

Sunglasses with hazy sadness lurking behind my eyes

Little girl blue in stockings and lace

If only you could see your face

What happened to the sunshine when the clouds came

And knocked you to the ground?

Get up!

Breath, dream, feel and touch

Paranoid places in dark mystic faces

That no one cares to cross or touch

Reality a given, long and hidden

Letting the world fly by

Wanting so much

Asking so little

Always subject to eyes

You are too big

You are too tall

Well let me say how small you are my dear

My laughter and my tears

Goals made of jelly

Sticky at the slightest touch

Butterflies whisper the secret of a long-forgotten love

Build up that wall

Stick to your guns

Fight, fight, fight, fight

Blue jays in a ruckus, ducks talking tomorrow

I am only saying, “Tonight”

Care to hear that story of one so long ago

That whispered clever says of a not so clever man

I need you, I want you

But wait…lies, hidden contacts, no authenticity

What were those words spoken with a smile on your part?

Ah yes, it is coming back to me like syrup over biscuits

You do not want me

School of style on a column page

Progress in its finest

Etiquette on your knees

Please let me tell you

Oh, hear me say

I loved the thought of you

What could and never will be

Little red sleigh

Slides to my feet

Empty again

Should that surprise me?

Alas, my guess would be

It has always been there

And so sad… always, always empty

* I wrote this poem over twenty years ago.  Let only a few read it. Dusting off some old pieces and sharing. Sometimes to heal, we need to let go of the past.

Jeni M.

Don’t Waste Any More Time

It was a Monday

Laid up at home

Left kidney screaming

Flopping around like a fish

Anxious, turned on Oprah

Topic of ‘dying’ with

Dr. Pausch’s last lecture

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

Pondering

Thinking

Crying

What would you do different

If you knew you were going to die in 3-6 months?

What would you change and why?

Why wait?

Don’t wait

Don’t waste any more time

Your life is calling

Are you listening?

Listen

You are

You do

You can

You will

Don’t waste any more time

Been Here

When it seems like I have been here forever

I dream of the rustic, tree lined mountain top

And my rock overlooking the city

Where I sit for hours

To contemplate life

Scented wild flowers unplug my

City polluted nostrils

I run free as can be, smiling

A fuzzy brown rabbit scurries under the tree

The sun winks down

My thoughts carry back to you

Stirring from my daydream

I look out the dusty window

Watch as the heavy fog crowds in around the city

It begins to rain

A deep sigh escapes my lips

I return to my work

It seems like I have been here forever

For What It’s Worth…

For what it’s worth:

It’s never too late or,

in my case, too early to be

whoever you want to be.

There’s no limit,

stop whenever you want.

You can change or stay the same,

There are no rules

To this thing. We can make

the best or the worst of it.

I hope you make the best of it.

And I hope you

see things that startle you.

I hope you feel things

You never felt before.

I hope you meet people with

A different point of view.

I hope you live a life

You’re proud of. If you

find that you’re not, I hope

you have the courage

To start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

 

 

 

 

It’s OK

It’s ok to be vulnerable

It’s ok to be sad

To be happy

To feel elation

Passion

To tell your story 

Share your love

Fragility

Without brokenness

Is possible

With acceptance

Of your tribe

Of yourself

When you look

Really look

Into your own eyes

And see the depths 

Of your own soul 

Staring back

Change anything? 

Do it

Need something?

Ask

Don’t mourn what isn’t

Have joy for what could be

What will be

Stay open

Keep pressing

Never look back

Stop tripping

Over your past hauntings

You’re beyond all that

You’re not going that way

You are enough

Even in your fragility 

It’s who you are

And it’s 

OK