strengthdefined

Oh house you were birthed out of love

From a vision of hope

That a spunky woman had

Because she refused to believe that a woman wasn’t able to go it alone

With just her sons on her own

She did, with you as her peace

Oh house – you were her vision

Of freedom, breaking the status quo

A safe haven for her family

The windows had to be end-to-end

Overlooking the valley

Because at night every twinkle of every lamp post or porch light needed to be seen from those windows

Fourth of July was always the best- the best fireworks view in town

Swimming pool parties

Friends & family galore

Dad wearing a cowboy hat or baseball cap grilling

Mix Doberman/Shepard dog would run parameter & greet kids with a sloppy slurp as she ate grapes off the vine as she ran

Oh house…

As an infant I rolled over on the family room floor

At age 3 I sat on your stairs and cried while the woman who built you sat by me

Rubbing my back as we waited

For Dad to emerge from the bathroom

Your tree house they built nestled in birch trees

Felt like another world

Brunches in the tree house with all the windows open, a crisp breeze

No wonder I love brunch so much

My first kiss on the back steps of the tree house

My bedroom was my sanctuary that fit two queen beds- perfect for sleepovers

Helped that the extra fridge nearby was always stocked with cherry chocolate chip ice cream

Oh house… the billiard games and dart board along with Jack Daniels

Chocolate chip cookies and coffee beckoned everyone

They are gone now

Sorrow flits like the speckled snow

With so many memories awakened

Upon seeing your now but remembering your glory days

Oh house! What happened to you?

Their names and memories whisper on your walls and echo through your halls

Why must you disappear too?

Do I cry for you or them

Or all of us

Missing you

Missing them

Oh house….

Nine times I wrote your eulogy

Never thought I’d have to give it

But I did

You were a melody with a twist

A rhyme with finesse

Brilliant beyond measure

Artistic greatness your design

Four years ago you left us 3/7/16

My phone rang in my office

My sister

I knew

You were gone

How do we pick up the pieces

Of the messiness

Shattered and broken

Had been for years

What words give peace?

What momentum to give your Mom?

How does Auntie “D” say goodbye when I already did nine times?

You are bright like yellow

Your favorite color

Everything sunshine

Even when you struggled to find your gold

You were worth fighting for –

Your mama did it daily- for you

Because she had to fight for the sunshine

After the rain

It rained hard

Nine times

All or nothing

Give without getting

In return

Considerate

But no consideration given

The brain fires bullets

Words of severity resonate

But not spoken

Agitation building

Release in darkness

Of crawling confusion

This season

It is not meant for you

Not your time

Not your now

Wrestling the thoughts

Some ugly

Some beautiful

Some accurate

Some not

Creeping

Wanting

But no

Worthy of so much more

And yet

Picking is wrong

So is the season

Settle into the now

Let go of daydreams

Not meant for you

Keep Crawling

Until you can

Stand

Photo by: ThoughtCo

You are Beyond gracious

Dimples always beaming

That fat grin who welcomes anyone

Even ate my horrible chicken

Can do anything you set your mind to

Beyond talented

There is nothing you cannot do

The tap tap tap of redundant noise

I could’ve done without but….

I secretly missed it when it was gone

Your head back laughter is life changing

The day my dad died and you hugged Halle and I so tightly and then… the rest

Whom I loved and fell. You were there prayed without ceasing

You never stopped loving me even with my mouth like a sailor

You were there to help me to the bathroom on my second abdominal surgery- petrified that you may have to help me up off the toilet.

You were there for the braces for broken feet, hands, & fingers.

Every morning you stormed the sanctuary and prayed for this crazy family who fell head over heels in love with you & called you son.

I believe in your destiny

I believe you are the most incredible man I’ve ever met

I believe there is NOTHING you can’t do

Especially when you put your mind to it

You could be bitter due to hard things

But you’re not

You’re beaming and joyful

You give me hope

Hope in humanity

Hope in love

Hope in God

Hope in dreams & prayers come true

And the realization that love transcends to anyone… you just have to open up and believe in a man more than sometimes he wanted to believe in himself.

Michael I love you, I will always love you

You will forever be my son

Proud beyond measure of you

Keep dreaming your most wildest dreams

And making them come true

Happy Birthday! I love you

Jeni

Truly let go?

Stop thinking of us?

Fill a void

That can only be filled

With one

The one?

Find your happy

Find your peace

I was honest

Raw

Real

But Impatience

Frustration

Became more

Than understanding

Healing needs to occur

It’s not rejection

Of my love

It’s a pause

For me to love me

In my now

20 years of lost

Can’t be erased

Right away

Patterns need to be

Undone

Caregiving

Enabling

Needs to be

Wiped

To be better for us

Your eyes

Betrayed your truth

Maybe I should

Feel rejected too

Oh wait…

I do

Why are good-byes

So hard?

Will I ever be whole?

I think so

One day at a time

I can

And I will

When I am ready

In the meantime

I’ll cry, feel & be

Whatever that is

For me, in my now- maybe secretly

Where is hope in

And grace for the other?

Apparently there is not

But there should be