“ She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn’t beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. She is beautiful.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Courage doesn’t always roar…
If you feel like your courage is waning
Keep trying
Keep pushing in
You are worth it
Light fractures into the bedroom
Sleepy eyes watching from bed
The prisms of light kiss the walls
And rebound around the room
Close my eyes
Not ready to get up
Sadness vibrating
Mourning what feels like
Everything
I dose again- not the normal
Three hours later
I open my eyes
Only to see light dancing
Across the bedroom wall
The floor shimmers
Where did my resilience go?
I was born tough
But not today
I close my eyes again
Sinking deep under the covers
Images and faces haunt me
I fall back to sleep
Crying
1 p.m. I wake again, swollen-eyes
Mourning
Light still resilient, patiently
Fracturing the walls and floor
I raise my hand and trace the light with my fingertips
The shimmering patterns of the sunshine is
Beautiful
I am beautiful
My heart, my mind, my body
Is beautiful
Deep sigh, inhale a long breath in
I force myself out of bed
The dogs are waiting for me at the bedroom door
I step
Trying to shake off the heaviness of
Life decisions
Hard decisions
My resilience feels
Shakey
I put on boxing gloves
And begin to pound the heavy bag
I am strong
I am tough
I am remarkable
The sunshine continues to fracture around me
Circling me in its beautiful, dancing light
It is resilient
So am I
Jasper grab your petticoat
Lift it high about your head
Can you feel the blowing cotton tickle your belly button?
Did you hear the thunder Jasper?
Can you feel the wind?
Don’t you think we really ought to go in?
Mommy is calling Jasper
Gather your things
Oh your dress is so lovely
Do you think Mommy will mind the mud?
Bright eyes, a gently scolding from a beautiful person
How clear her eyes sparkle in the dark
Roll over Jasper,
Don’t hug your knees
You’re ok as long as you’re with me
Life plays its tricks
Time goes by
How the laughter went unnoticed
Is it really true that time heals all wounds?
I don’t feel release of this fire
See the embers Jasper?
Watch them glow
Didn’t you know?
That they would burn and blister?
But they say time heals all wounds
Can you truly forget?
By and by I long,
I yearn
When will the strings of sadness stop to pull
And smiles begin to start?
They don’t
How come?
Do I have to love in sadness?
You will always love
I won’t…
You do now
I know
White petticoat, bare feet
My how you’ve grown since I last saw you
You remember me?
A twitch a glow, something forgotten
I would rather stop and slow then know
That my love was never enough
At least from me to you and around again
How much did you love me?
You knew
I didn’t
You said, you made your choice
I am sorry
It stings
I know
You couldn’t possibly remember
I wish I could
But never cared
Never needed to
How lonely for you
Jasper? Are you asleep?
Wake up my dear and drink your tea
Wait- someone is calling me…
Don’t go!
You are dreaming!
I always will
Listen to reality
I feel it, I don’t need to listen
Hold on
I am
Tell him
I have
Love him
I do
Always?
Yes
Good-night Jasper
Good-bye
My how you’ve grown
Never enough
Never is not good enough
What a fool
Only to you
Sweet dreams
I’ll always…
Always?
Always
Good-bye then
Farewell
Jasper lifts up her hands as her petticoat floats above her head.
A hint of a smile shows on her lips
Knowing that one day
She’ll be ok
The wind blows gently across the humid night
A dragonfly lands on a piece of vine
The smell of jasmine intoxicates my brain
Tiny feathers of a baby duck float in my hand
The wonders of love and time
Did I ever really know?
Could I only guess?
The empty red sleigh of so long ago
Is still empty today
Without a thought or even regret?
My tough bravado so mean to shine, to dream
Kisses upon my forehead
Laughter upon your lips
Your lashes are as long as whips
Blueberries and cream
All those impossible things
Like sugar in iced tea that never dissolves
But still wet
One wonders why your hand is blue
Your heart cold as steel
Like the bitter aspirin I tried so hard to swallow
What do you need my dear?
What can I bring?
Can I bring you flowers on a cold day that fills your heart with love?
Can I bring you my kisses?
Oh, how they use to mean so much!
Honeybees and trinket locks
Lost in time and rust forgot
The splendid dreams and goals that were never meant for me
Long leisurely naps of gold
To erase that old worn path that deemed to be…
Me
Trodden and spoiled, forever soiled
The beauty of that part that tickles my heart never rings
Sunglasses with hazy sadness lurking behind my eyes
Little girl blue in stockings and lace
If only you could see your face
What happened to the sunshine when the clouds came
And knocked you to the ground?
Get up!
Breath, dream, feel and touch
Paranoid places in dark mystic faces
That no one cares to cross or touch
Reality a given, long and hidden
Letting the world fly by
Wanting so much
Asking so little
Always subject to eyes
You are too big
You are too tall
Well let me say how small you are my dear
My laughter and my tears
Goals made of jelly
Sticky at the slightest touch
Butterflies whisper the secret of a long-forgotten love
Build up that wall
Stick to your guns
Fight, fight, fight, fight
Blue jays in a ruckus, ducks talking tomorrow
I am only saying, “Tonight”
Care to hear that story of one so long ago
That whispered clever says of a not so clever man
I need you, I want you
But wait…lies, hidden contacts, no authenticity
What were those words spoken with a smile on your part?
Ah yes, it is coming back to me like syrup over biscuits
You do not want me
School of style on a column page
Progress in its finest
Etiquette on your knees
Please let me tell you
Oh, hear me say
I loved the thought of you
What could and never will be
Little red sleigh
Slides to my feet
Empty again
Should that surprise me?
Alas, my guess would be
It has always been there
And so sad… always, always empty
* I wrote this poem over twenty years ago. Let only a few read it. Dusting off some old pieces and sharing. Sometimes to heal, we need to let go of the past.
Jeni M.
It was a Monday
Laid up at home
Left kidney screaming
Flopping around like a fish
Anxious, turned on Oprah
Topic of ‘dying’ with
Dr. Pausch’s last lecture
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
Pondering
Thinking
Crying
What would you do different
If you knew you were going to die in 3-6 months?
What would you change and why?
Why wait?
Don’t wait
Don’t waste any more time
Your life is calling
Are you listening?
Listen
You are
You do
You can
You will
Don’t waste any more time
A little bit brash
A whole lot of funny
Best damn mango martini’s you’ll ever have
The love of his ladies
All over his face when he stood watching each of you
Each of you fly and grow and become the beautiful women
That you are today
He’s proud and honored
To call you wife, daughter, granddaughter, friend, family…
A mentor
A champion
A fighter
Hilarious
His eyes twinkled mischievously and
That laugh
My God what a laugh with head tipped back
Or slapping a knee
He believed anything was possible
With hard work
Focus
And a little pain…
You carry on
You must
Stay bold
As he was
He wouldn’t want it
Any other way
Jeni McCreary
*Jerry Miller 1/6/2017 RIP
