
Broken Pieces

Oh house you were birthed out of love
From a vision of hope
That a spunky woman had
Because she refused to believe that a woman wasn’t able to go it alone
With just her sons on her own
She did, with you as her peace
Oh house – you were her vision
Of freedom, breaking the status quo
A safe haven for her family
The windows had to be end-to-end
Overlooking the valley
Because at night every twinkle of every lamp post or porch light needed to be seen from those windows
Fourth of July was always the best- the best fireworks view in town
Swimming pool parties
Friends & family galore
Dad wearing a cowboy hat or baseball cap grilling
Mix Doberman/Shepard dog would run parameter & greet kids with a sloppy slurp as she ate grapes off the vine as she ran
Oh house…
As an infant I rolled over on the family room floor
At age 3 I sat on your stairs and cried while the woman who built you sat by me
Rubbing my back as we waited
For Dad to emerge from the bathroom
Your tree house they built nestled in birch trees
Felt like another world
Brunches in the tree house with all the windows open, a crisp breeze
No wonder I love brunch so much
My first kiss on the back steps of the tree house
My bedroom was my sanctuary that fit two queen beds- perfect for sleepovers
Helped that the extra fridge nearby was always stocked with cherry chocolate chip ice cream
Oh house… the billiard games and dart board along with Jack Daniels
Chocolate chip cookies and coffee beckoned everyone
They are gone now
Sorrow flits like the speckled snow
With so many memories awakened
Upon seeing your now but remembering your glory days
Oh house! What happened to you?
Their names and memories whisper on your walls and echo through your halls
Why must you disappear too?
Do I cry for you or them
Or all of us
Missing you
Missing them
Oh house….
Nine times I wrote your eulogy
Never thought I’d have to give it
But I did
You were a melody with a twist
A rhyme with finesse
Brilliant beyond measure
Artistic greatness your design
Four years ago you left us 3/7/16
My phone rang in my office
My sister
I knew
You were gone
How do we pick up the pieces
Of the messiness
Shattered and broken
Had been for years
What words give peace?
What momentum to give your Mom?
How does Auntie “D” say goodbye when I already did nine times?
You are bright like yellow
Your favorite color
Everything sunshine
Even when you struggled to find your gold
You were worth fighting for –
Your mama did it daily- for you
Because she had to fight for the sunshine
After the rain
It rained hard
Nine times
All or nothing
Give without getting
In return
Considerate
But no consideration given
The brain fires bullets
Words of severity resonate
But not spoken
Agitation building
Release in darkness
Of crawling confusion
This season
It is not meant for you
Not your time
Not your now
Wrestling the thoughts
Some ugly
Some beautiful
Some accurate
Some not
Creeping
Wanting
But no
Worthy of so much more
And yet
Picking is wrong
So is the season
Settle into the now
Let go of daydreams
Not meant for you
Keep Crawling
Until you can
Stand
Photo by: ThoughtCo
You are Beyond gracious
Dimples always beaming
That fat grin who welcomes anyone
Even ate my horrible chicken
Can do anything you set your mind to
Beyond talented
There is nothing you cannot do
The tap tap tap of redundant noise
I could’ve done without but….
I secretly missed it when it was gone
Your head back laughter is life changing
The day my dad died and you hugged Halle and I so tightly and then… the rest
Whom I loved and fell. You were there prayed without ceasing
You never stopped loving me even with my mouth like a sailor
You were there to help me to the bathroom on my second abdominal surgery- petrified that you may have to help me up off the toilet.
You were there for the braces for broken feet, hands, & fingers.
Every morning you stormed the sanctuary and prayed for this crazy family who fell head over heels in love with you & called you son.
I believe in your destiny
I believe you are the most incredible man I’ve ever met
I believe there is NOTHING you can’t do
Especially when you put your mind to it
You could be bitter due to hard things
But you’re not
You’re beaming and joyful
You give me hope
Hope in humanity
Hope in love
Hope in God
Hope in dreams & prayers come true
And the realization that love transcends to anyone… you just have to open up and believe in a man more than sometimes he wanted to believe in himself.
Michael I love you, I will always love you
You will forever be my son
Proud beyond measure of you
Keep dreaming your most wildest dreams
And making them come true
Happy Birthday! I love you
Jeni
Truly let go?
Stop thinking of us?
Fill a void
That can only be filled
With one
The one?
Find your happy
Find your peace
I was honest
Raw
Real
But Impatience
Frustration
Became more
Than understanding
Healing needs to occur
It’s not rejection
Of my love
It’s a pause
For me to love me
In my now
20 years of lost
Can’t be erased
Right away
Patterns need to be
Undone
Caregiving
Enabling
Needs to be
Wiped
To be better for us
Your eyes
Betrayed your truth
Maybe I should
Feel rejected too
Oh wait…
I do
Why are good-byes
So hard?
Will I ever be whole?
I think so
One day at a time
I can
And I will
When I am ready
In the meantime
I’ll cry, feel & be
Whatever that is
For me, in my now- maybe secretly
Where is hope in
And grace for the other?
Apparently there is not
But there should be