Nine Times

Nine times I wrote your eulogy

Never thought I’d have to give it

But I did

You were a melody with a twist

A rhyme with finesse

Brilliant beyond measure

Artistic greatness your design

Four years ago you left us 3/7/16

My phone rang in my office

My sister

I knew

You were gone

How do we pick up the pieces

Of the messiness

Shattered and broken

Had been for years

What words give peace?

What momentum to give your Mom?

How does Auntie “D” say goodbye when I already did nine times?

You are bright like yellow

Your favorite color

Everything sunshine

Even when you struggled to find your gold

You were worth fighting for –

Your mama did it daily- for you

Because she had to fight for the sunshine

After the rain

It rained hard

Nine times

Crawling

All or nothing

Give without getting

In return

Considerate

But no consideration given

The brain fires bullets

Words of severity resonate

But not spoken

Agitation building

Release in darkness

Of crawling confusion

This season

It is not meant for you

Not your time

Not your now

Wrestling the thoughts

Some ugly

Some beautiful

Some accurate

Some not

Creeping

Wanting

But no

Worthy of so much more

And yet

Picking is wrong

So is the season

Settle into the now

Let go of daydreams

Not meant for you

Keep Crawling

Until you can

Stand

Photo credit: Getty images Google

Happy 32th Birthday Michael!

You are Beyond gracious

Dimples always beaming

That fat grin who welcomes anyone

Even ate my horrible chicken

Can do anything you set your mind to

Beyond talented

There is nothing you cannot do

The tap tap tap of redundant noise

I could’ve done without but….

I secretly missed it when it was gone

Your head back laughter is life changing

The day my dad died and you hugged Halle and I so tightly and then… the rest

Whom I loved and fell. You were there prayed without ceasing

You never stopped loving me even with my mouth like a sailor

You were there to help me to the bathroom on my second abdominal surgery- petrified that you may have to help me up off the toilet.

You were there for the braces for broken feet, hands, & fingers.

Every morning you stormed the sanctuary and prayed for this crazy family who fell head over heels in love with you & called you son.

I believe in your destiny

I believe you are the most incredible man I’ve ever met

I believe there is NOTHING you can’t do

Especially when you put your mind to it

You could be bitter due to hard things

But you’re not

You’re beaming and joyful

You give me hope

Hope in humanity

Hope in love

Hope in God

Hope in dreams & prayers come true

And the realization that love transcends to anyone… you just have to open up and believe in a man more than sometimes he wanted to believe in himself.

Michael I love you, I will always love you

You will forever be my son

Proud beyond measure of you

Keep dreaming your most wildest dreams

And making them come true

Happy Birthday! I love you

Jeni

But There Should Be

Truly let go?

Stop thinking of us?

Fill a void

That can only be filled

With one

The one?

Find your happy

Find your peace

I was honest

Raw

Real

But Impatience

Frustration

Became more

Than understanding

Healing needs to occur

It’s not rejection

Of my love

It’s a pause

For me to love me

In my now

20 years of lost

Can’t be erased

Right away

Patterns need to be

Undone

Caregiving

Enabling

Needs to be

Wiped

To be better for us

Your eyes

Betrayed your truth

Maybe I should

Feel rejected too

Oh wait…

I do

Why are good-byes

So hard?

Will I ever be whole?

I think so

One day at a time

I can

And I will

When I am ready

In the meantime

I’ll cry, feel & be

Whatever that is

For me, in my now- maybe secretly

Where is hope in

And grace for the other?

Apparently there is not

But there should be