Anesthesia Fog

I woke in the recovery room 

To the smell of hospital soap and anesthesia

The sound of the beeping heart monitor 

The IV gurgling in my veins

Bleary-eyed I tried to focus on the Doctor’s voice 

He rubbed my hand, “We had to do a hysterectomy”

I gulped, eyes closed, anesthesia lulling me back to sleep

I opened one eye, trying to focus on the nurse, 

“Did I hear that correctly? Did he say hysterectomy?” 

“Yes.” 

I remember turning my head and looking out the window

The sky was cloudy and gray

It was going to storm

Lightening flashed in the distance

My eyes grew heavy once again

I succumbed to the anesthesia fog 

And remembered thinking, 

“But we had already picked your name…”

Angels…send, send, send

Left engine of the airplane blew 

In under seven minutes of assent

A boom, ears ringing, fire ball out the left side of the window

I was sitting in seat 18C

The plane dipped to the left 

A hasty decent

Tummy now in throat

Cabin filled with hazy smoke like flecks of pepper

Eyes, nose and throat burning 

Stewardess ran down the isle screaming, 

“We’re on fire, we’re on fire, we are ALL going to die”

Die? Right here, right now? 

The hum of one engine struggled to keep the plane erect

Vibrating

Shaking

Sputtering

Die, in an airplane…

My throat constricts

I can not speak

Inside my head I scream, 

“She’s three, God- she’s three. Three.” 

Visions of her sweet eyes

Hair that smells like watermelon shampoo

Little hand holding mine

Sweet kisses

Cuddling hugs

I want to see her grow up

I want to be there for her graduation

Her wedding

I want to hold her babies in my lap. 

Sobbing passengers are heard through out the plane

Tears pour down my cheeks

I am frozen

Dream of clawing my way out of a plane 20,000 feet in the air 

Sputtering

Shaking

A stranger holds my hands and whispers, 

“We are going to make it, we are not going to die”

In my head I can not form sentences

I keep thinking, “Angels, angels, send, send, send.”

The plane lands

Everyone let’s out a whoop of glee and relief

The pilot gets on the intercom and says, 

“We’ve just had catastrophic engine failure of our left engine. We’re on the ground now, have a nice day.” 

Angels deployed

I’m watching my little girl grow up

Jeni McCreary

Date of event: 10/11/2005

(attached is a picture of my boarding pass that I clutched in my hand. You can barely make it out from the sweat of the not letting it go during this event. I keep it as a reminder that life is too short and too precious. Embrace every day… every day)

Snowy Egret

Snowy Egret

You stood there stoic

In the pouring rain

A torrential down pour

You waited for a fish to come

The canal flooded

The wind pounded you

You shook your head

Wiggled your body

Stood like a beautiful white statue

Unmoving

Cautiously

Patiently

Expectantly waiting 

For that morsel to come

Blaring car horns

Screeching brakes

Red light

Focused

Nothing moved you 

Nothing distracted your gaze 

From the murky waters

Oh if we could be that stoic 

Snowy Egret

Unmoved

Focused 

In the moment

In the now

Ever present

A life lesson from an unlikely friend

In the pouring rain from the car

Screeching brakes 

Blaring horns

Red light

Did you see him?

Jeni McCreary

Sweltering Hot

Sweltering Hot

The plane was sweltering hot

Only 15 minutes to board 

Made it by a sliver

Already sweating

From the sprint 

Through the Memphis airport

Immediate frustration 

Entered the plane

Dripping with sweat

No air

The plane was sweltering hot

Parched lips

Trying not to stroke out 

On the journey back to the far reaches of the plane

Wanting to curse

Sweat rolling down my back 

Looked up

Down she came

Her baby girl screaming

Bag in tow

She flopped down in front of me

Hot and frazzled

Her beautiful baby girl screaming 

Like she was on fire

Bag left in the isle

People were tripped over the bag

Stepped on the bag

Gave her crusty glares

Mumbling expletives 

She was trying to get buckled

Soothe her daughter 

And get a snack 

From the bag 

Continuously being stepped on 

A blanket needed for her screaming baby

The plane was sweltering hot

Tempers flared

Step

Trip

Clunk

Sigh

Heave

Grump

All those people smacked into her bag

I was sitting 

Watching 

Thinking in my head

“What is wrong with these people? 

Can’t they see she needs a little help?”

OH

She needs help

I smack my forehead and lean in

“Can I help you put your bag away?”

A sigh of relief

Kind blue eyes looked up at me

Baby girl still screaming on lap

Frantic tears 

“I was hoping the stewardess would come”

“Why don’t you let me help you, do you have everything you need for her?” 

“Yes”

Relief, a sniff- was trying to brush tears away

I zipped up her bag and found space for it over another isle

“Thank you so much”

She touched my arm as I walked past her to sit down

I buckled in

Mumbling under my breath

“I get it, I’m listening, use me.”

The plane was sweltering hot

A simple act of service

A minor effort on a sweltering hot plane

Helping a stranger in some small way

The plane was sweltering hot

I was suddenly refreshed and cool

Ballerina Twirling

Ballerina Twirling

She turned

I smile

Reached for her

Twirling in a pink ballerina costume

Dark brown eyes sparkle, flecks of green

Long eye lashes

Curly dark brown hair falls over one eye

Twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling

Magical fairy wand plays a silly tune

Giggles, laughter

My breath is torn from me

Sitting silent

Feeling alone

Watching my sons

Blinking loudly

Hope dashing

Husband’s sad eyes

Precious pink ballerina not twirling

Not for me

Not yesterday

Not today

Hysterectomy 

Gone

Seek healing

Physical & emotional

Health restored

Love… All of these are mine

Shattered dream

Shattered hope

Magical fairy wand 

Lays unmoved in my lap

I loved you

The dream of you

I love you now

One day I will find you

In my dreams

In my prayers

You will be there

Twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling

For my best friend- to heal the loss of your little girl & the hysterectomy that chased your dream away. One day…One day.

Twelve Years Old

Twelve Years Old

Unlovable

That’s what I’ve believed all these years

I am unlovable

Wall so tall, hard demeanor

No one could possibly love me

And yet

Precious baby girl bouncing in my lap

Her eyes filled with love

For me! 

To her I am her hero, her protector

Her guardian angel

Twelve years old my innocence was lost

Forever altered

Missing something

Missing everything

Questioning all things

Seeking anything

No one heard me?

Who will save me?

I am unlovable

Laughter, friends, uncertain future

Innocent love

Protection, protector

Happy & positive, twelve year old girl 

Shoved in a closet

Bound with rope

She is never getting out

Is she? 

Wanting to be found

Heart ache to mend

To grieve

To share… her story

She has something to say

And yet…

Fear

Quiet cup of coffee

One lump in throat

Mom- I have something to tell you… 

When I was twelve years old… 

Tragic story told… Released 

Mending showed up

Peace

Love

Fear abandoned

I AM loved

I AM needed

I AM wanted

I AM watched for

I AM released

Throwing open the closet door

Twelve year old girl has flown

Rope coiled on the ground

Like a dead snake

Loved

But you have to tell

Your story

And get help

 

Jeni McCreary

————————————

1 in 4 women/girls in the US will be victim to rape, a 25-26% chance in their lifetime. I wrote this for those whose stories haunt me and for those I haven’t met yet… our dear mothers, daughters and sisters that have so much baggage and who have gone through so much. Rape changes a person, fear cripples feeling that you have little or no support. While some may not see their own value I hope one day they will. Their tough demeanor, so hard to crack….simply need to know that they ARE loved, needed, wanted, and watched for. Recognize it now, your value, your future calling you forward.  Throw open the closet door and know… you ARE loved! 

Just Stop

Keep stepping

The mantra

Keep moving

Don’t look back

But we do

Over & over again

Regret nothing

Oh so many regrets

So many battles

Too much grief

Too many things

Left unsaid

But stepping

Feels right

Except the walls

Chunk up

A little taller

A little higher- day-over-day

Survival mode

This stepping

Looking at the future

One day when

Fear creeps in

Fear of failure

Angst

Never enough time

For anyone

Including for yourself

Dark circles under eyes

blood shot eyes- lack of sleep

Just stop

You must stop the stepping

Take them out

one-by-one

To deal with the hurt

The baggage

The pain

It sucks

It hurts

It is hard

All the feelings

Could be better off

Left alone

But not for you

Your growth

To be a better

Human

To appreciate those you love

To find courage

In your now

You can do this

You are more than enough

So just stop

And deal

With it all

And watch yourself

Grow

Bloom

Shine

Brighter

Than you’ve ever

Shined before

You can

You must

Just stop… stepping

And deal

With each battle

Each death

Each regret

Each wound

Each love lost

Each unfulfilled expectation

Each hurt

Each breech to your heart, mind & body

Scrub them clean

No more stepping

Just stop

you

will

when

you’re

ready

So… Just stop